a few thoughts on ‘church labels’ and ’18-30′s’
April 12, 2012
Help!
What am I? (apart from weird)
Am I a fundamentalist? Er, no for sure!
Liberal? Yeah most probably …
Evangelical? Whats one of them?
So most of you following my twitter feed/facebook and who read my last blog yesterday will probably have worked out that I am at a Christian Conference.
Spring Harvest to be precise … check out www.springharvest.org if you have never heard of it, or would like to know more, even better want to come in 2013.
Anyway, so yeah, here I am at Spring Harvest, again, after coming last year and being really surprised. Surprised at the week itself, and surprised at how challenged my own attitude was. And that’s not always easy to say is it? Not many people go round with a placard saying ‘I’ve got a bad attitude’. Neither did I, don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t mean particularly, I just wanted to come and have a fight. Try and annoy people. Be sceptical. And if anything was said or talked about that did not fit into ‘my view’ that obviously it was wrong. Somehow God really challenged my attitude of being intolerant of intolerance. It took a while to realise I was just as bad as those I disliked for being intolerant because I was intolerant towards them.
So here I am again. Spring Harvest 2012. I had planned on going to some stuff today, and trying to write something reasonably spiritual, intellectual and interesting as a blog, then I realised that isn’t me really is it. I’m not especially clever, and my knowledge of God and the bible is pretty lame compared to the amazing people I am surrounded by, and in total awe of.
I decided I needed a rest day today (I know I know, its only the second full day, but I’m knackered!) and it’s been brilliant. I had breakfast, another nap, a chat on the phone with some friends, and coffee. Time to think and more hot chocolate/drinks/time to think and write. ( I am going to have to buy some if not all the talks, as I think I have missed a few I would quite liked to have been to, plus apparently there was a really interesting lecture this afternoon that I missed on woman in leadership – another thing I really like about SH is its apparent commitment to equality in church leadership. The main preach in the morning is by Ness Wilson, a church a leader, and there are many awesome woman involved in running Spring Harvest, and doing the teaching/talks)
One of the things I have been thinking about is the huge array of people here this week. The huge array of people I have met so far. I don’t know if it is just me, or the friendliness of the people here, but I just seem to end up in conversation with people (don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining). There are a huge variety of folk who have all come away for a week, most of whom want to learn more about God and spend time with other Christians. And that’s great … really great.
But that has made me wonder how many denominations there are here? I have no idea. I don’t know if Spring Harvest would know either. So far in the short few days I have been here I have heard or met people from the Church of Scotland, Church of England, a Pentecostal church, Nondenominational, United Reformed and Baptist church.
I am sure there must be more too.
I don’t know if Spring Harvest is a particular denomination or not, I don’t think it is. But then I got thinking about the terms fundamental, evangelical, and liberal.
They get used a lot to describe people don’t they ?
I’ve often heard people say ‘oh I’m an evangelical Christian’ or ‘ I go to a fundamentalist church’ (that kind of thing anyway, its fair to say I have not met many/know many fundamentalists).
I have spent some wondering today whether it matters or not? After all, there are folk who would say that it does not matter, and the only important thing is that you believe in God and would call yourself a Christian.
I kind of get that … but actually reality is that it doesn’t work that way does it, because otherwise we would all ‘just be Christians’ and there would be no denominations at all – maybe that would be a good thing? I don’t know?
So, how do you know ‘what you are’? How do I know ‘what I am’?
Answers on a post card please – alternatively just use the comment box – i’ve had to put ‘moderation’ on due to some really vile comments coming through but I always approve normal comments, even ones that disagree with me 
The other thing I have been thinking about, and plan on spending some more time thinking on and writing about is the 18-30 things.
Spring Harvest has an ’18-30’ venue going on this year (I think they had it last year too) and over the last year or so it has become increasingly apparent, well to me anyway, that doing 18-30 stuff is becoming the ‘thing to do’. I’m experiencing this in the church I am involved in too – they have a passion/desire to try and reach out/create something that includes and involves and is 18 to 30 relevant.
Whenever I talk/tweet about this, it is not just about SH or criticising anything they are doing specifically. Its trying to think about it all in the wider ‘big church umbrella context’.
Now some of you are probably wondering why it has anything to do with me. I’m not a church leader. I’m not a leader of anything. I don’t have any sway, and I am not really able to back up my thoughts with anything solid other than them being just that, my thoughts, and the thoughts of some other people I chat to.
The reason why I am writing about it though, and thinking that it has a little bit to do with me is because I fit into that age group. But the end of that age range. As a nearly 28 year old, I am supposed to ‘fit in’ to the 18-30 group.
But do I? And do the other people who are my age? Do we fit into something that is trying to focus on an 18 year old, just leaving school, maybe going to Uni, maybe just starting work, maybe going on a gap year or on one. Do we fit into the group that is trying to focus on 18 to 22 year old somethings who are students and who are at University? Who are studying and struggling with life choices, careers paths, where next and all of the other things that come along with that life (not that I would know about any of it, having not been to uni).
Do we fit? And should we?
Or does there come a time when we have to admit adulthood and engage with mainstream adult programmes when it comes to events and church life?
Anyway, just a few thoughts from today … just noticed the time, ironically have to dash other wise I’ll be very late for the 18-30 Function event that I’m head to this evening – already late as I should be there now, ops!)
its been exactly 4 years since i tried to die …
April 11, 2012
Its quite a strange feeling … being alive when your not supposed to be.
I guess some folk would say I am meant to be but the way I see it is I’m not.
Four years ago I took an overdose. People would say that people who take overdoses are not serious, and are only crying out for help. Maybe that is so for others but it isn’t for me. I truly wanted to die. And as far as I was concerned I had taken enough stuff, in a big enough cocktail to ensure that I did die. I didn’t plan on surviving. Its fair to say my state of mind was a bit irrational. Thinking back now, my mind was screwed (it still is) but back then it was screwed in a much bigger way.
It is really hard to describe the day, four years ago. In fact a lot of it is blurry. I just remember being so desperate for the pain to go, that I could not see any other way out. My life was never meant to have worked out the way it had.
Stuff that had happened was never meant to happen. When I was a very small child, I could never have imagined what was going to be ahead of me. When I was a child the things that happened to me that were wrong were normal. Wasn’t everyone abused? (It wasn’t until I got older did I realize the answer to that is no).
I have written before, a few times about the darkness, the pain, the hurt, the desperation. The no way out and no where to go feeling. The heart wrenching all hope is lost feeling. Because that is how is felt. I had nothing. I was nothing.
So what was the point in being alive? I didn’t see any …
So I tried to kill myself.
Imagine the feeling of waking up, a bit hazy, dazy and realizing that instead of being somewhere else (I had no idea where I was going to end up, I think my head thought it would be a hotter kind of hell than living, because that would be what I deserved) however even that was the better option than actually being alive (does not make much sense really when you think about it does it, but then I didn’t (still don’t often) make much sense) …
I was devastated to be alive.
But that was four years ago.
I keep saying four, because I cant quite believe it to be honest. Four years! It feels like it has been a long long four years, yet it also feels like it has flown by.
The biggest thing I cant quite believe, and would never have imagined in a million days would be the change since then … how life has moved on.
Yesterday I tweeted something on the lines of ‘it’s the day before the day I tried to kill myself four years ago and instead of smoking, drinking and self harming I’m getting ready to go to Spring Harvest – a Christian conference’ – (obviously it was a bit shorter on twitter!)
I have the honour and privilege of being at Spring Harvest this year, and I’m really thankful to the people who have made it happen. And as I was getting packed to come, I was thinking about the fact its been over a year since I last cut, I don’t smoke any more, and I have the odd drink, but that’s it.
Last year I arrived at Spring Harvest on the back of a bet with someone who reckoned I wouldn’t survive a week at a Christian conference, despite having already been to a few. Not only did I survive the week, I think I survived it quite well.
Everything I thought it was going to be, it wasn’t. The fights I was looking for didn’t happen, and I went away from the week realizing that actually, despite my protests and issues sometimes I am a Christian. Yes, I am a Christian.
I am still trying to work my way round, understand the true meaning of Gods love, and really get to a place of belonging. There is a heck of a lot that I don’t understand – a heck of a lot … but I am firmly on the journey of trying to understand. I still need to learn more about why I am here, what the meaning of my life is and why the stuff that has happened happened. I know that there are no easy answers to any of these questions, and that they are things that I am going to have to explore.
This afternoon, instead of going to the seminar that I had planned on going to, I went and spent an hour chatting to someone from the Pastoral Team here at SH. It was something I was a bit hesistant about, but something that I felt my soul stir into doing and I’m pleased I did. I felt like I was given a little clarity to my thoughts and feelings about today. And how God fits in to it all. Because He does.
I know that process isn’t going to suddenly become easy, but then I’m used to not easy.
But it’s a process that has now started.
One of my new years resolutions for 2012 was to spend more time concentrating and focusing on the future. Thinking about where it is heading, trying to ascertain the pathway I’m meant to be on, career wise, spiritually and personally.
And so, I supposed you might read this blog and think it is not doing that. Which is true, kind of.
I want to keep moving on wards, forwards, and part of that process is to process the past. I know I have spent some time talking about the past, four years ago in fact, I feel I have to. I have to mark it somehow. And the marking it somehow is more about celebrating the fact that I am alive . Its about remembering where I was, thinking about the years and the journey I have been on because that’s all so important when it comes to thinking about the future, my future.
I feel like I am marking it by writing this blog. Short of shouting out to everyone here, at Spring Harvest that It has been four years and I want to celebrate life right now the only way I know how to mark it is to write.
IT HAS BEEN FOUR YEARS, AND I AM ALIVE, AND THAT IS GOOD!
What has happened is a part of me. I can not erase the past. I can not erase the scars that my body bares, and I can not erase the torture that sometimes haunts my mind.
But I can use some of those experiences, exactly how I don’t know yet.
But I want to look to the future.
I want to talk about it. I want to share my story.
I want people to know my story because more importantly I want others to know they can survive too, and that can happen by me sharing my story.
another year has gone … goodbye 2011, hello 2012 – Part 1
January 2, 2012
Wow, so thats it, 2011 has gone. Well and truly gone. Its the eve of the first day of 2012, and my head is still in last year. Partly I think because I worked through the night this year for the ‘New Years Eve’ so have not felt like I have truly said Goodbye to one year, and Hello to the next.
Having said that … its true to say that New Year never usually means much to me. Usually for me August signifies the end of one 12 months and the start of another, and usually at Greenbelt I have a little space and time to reflect on the old, and think of the new and go from there. I usually blog at length about it, however this year GB was a rather different weekend for me, and I didnt do the whole ‘end/start of the year’ thing.
So here I am … joining in with the trend that most people follow … at the same time as most people too … thinking about the fact that a whole year has gone by … and thinking about welcoming in another 12 months.
I dont think I’ve ever felt a year fly by so quickly before … I dont know about anyone else, but I feel like I blinked and it went.
I also don’t think I’ve ever had such a year go by that seems to have been relatively calm. Gasp. Some of you reading this will probably be agreeing totally. The last 12 months seem to have been the tamest that have been going for some time … granted, some blips and I thank wholeheartedly those people who love me and stick by me through those blips, who answer their phones any time 24/7 and who hug me when its needed, and offer me coffee when its needed, who give me wise words when its needed. Who do more than they’ll ever know to sustain me, and make me feel loved.
Anyhow … where was I ? oh yeah, 2011 … reflections of 2011 (i prefer to reflect instead of calling everything a highlight, even though many things about to be written would be considered highlights, although some wouldnt),
so, starting the ball rolling …
* Seeing Glee live !! Ok, there we go, if I have yet to admit it publicly on these pages or my tweets, I am a Gleek, uhuh. I dont care what you say … Im proud, and I had an amazing weekend in London in the middle of the year with some girly friends seeing Glee live at the 02. It was mega amazing!
* 2011 has been the year I have finally managed to win (for now) the battle with the smokes. Something I consider a huge achievement. I hope those of you who know me well stand beside me in agreeing that it is an achievement. Ive always been an adamant ’i love smoking’ person. And to be honest … having tried to stop a few times before, its been a real challenge and battle, partly because most of me didnt want to stop, and a small part of me knew I had to … (for reasons I’ll mention next). So, for the time being, and for the last 6 months or so, Ive been a non smoker, and Im adjusting to life now (it took a while to get used to a different routine, to get used to not going out with friends on breaks at work/pubs etc)
* 2011 saw me having several Asthma attacks. To someone who doesn’t (or didn’t) have Asthma, they were big shocks, and pretty scary! Two very serious ones requiring professional emergency help (NHS – I am VERY grateful!). I now have a regime of inhalers, am am monitored closely by my GP at present. A recent chest infection crippled me, and meant I ended up on steroids and really struggling. Its very hard to describe what having an asthma attack is like. Having problems with your breathing when you are in your mid twenties is a pretty scary thing. Most mornings for a while I was waking up sounding like a 90 year old woman who had smoked 100 fags a day … so being diagnosed as asthmatic contributed greatly to stopping the fags.
* April 2011 saw a pretty big milestone in the life of Fragmentz … (other than going to Spring Harvest – i know i know, but yes I really did!) April meant 3 years since I tried to die. At the time I wrote a blog which you can find here …. its been 3-years and I also very recently wrote another blog called ‘I wanted to die …’ which you can read i wanted to die Both of these blogs talk about this openly, so all I will say here is that i’ve been alive for over 3 years after I intended not to be, and I am glad i am!
* April also saw me go to Spring Harvest. Er yeah. I did. Uh huh. Thats right. Why? Erm, I am not entirely sure, apart from the fact that when I agreed to go/said I wanted to go, I had had quite a bit to drink and the person egging me didnt think I would, so being the kind to do alsorts just to prove a point found myself mooseying off to Butlins Skegness no less, over Easter to spend a week with happy clappy Christians who mostly smile and pretend that life is grand. Thankfully I was in a chalet with someone (a very groovy and cool meffodist minster) and her friend who I knew a little. They were truly two amazing woman and I had a fab week spending time with and getting to know them both much better than ever before. I also found myself incredibly challenged. I found the entire week a challenge, but not in the way I was expecting. I had gone expecting to spend the week wound up and annoyed by peoples smiles, cringeworthy stories and optimism and a general ‘lets all be christians for a week and forget the real world exists’. I expected to somewhere along the way get into a row with someone over their theology, and to walk out of a talk/meeting after getting so pissed off I just wanted to go and smoke (I was still smoking at that point, leading to a hilarious moment of leaving my chalet to go for a fag and getting locked out therefor having to track down friends in the big top whilst wearing my funky bright butterfly pyjamas … well they found it funny anyway). I half expected to go home halfway through the week to be honest. However, and I wish I had blogged about this at the time really as I could write forever on it … all of my expectations were smashed. I met some superbly down to earth normal people, who were very willing to debate and argue out (rationally) their views whilst understanding my points of view and not just casting me as someone who does not understand. I engaged with some intelligent people who were willing (including SH leadership people) to chat/discuss/think about things on my level, and I found the Zone concept brilliance. I went almost daily to the ‘discuss and debate’ zone, and although the group was small, Jools I think his name was, the guy leading that space was brilliant. I also had the joy of meeting Rob GT who I tweeted with for a while, and that was great too. Two other things stand out for me about Spring Harvest. The first was that every morning (not being a good early riser) Id stay in the chalet doing my make up, having a cuppa and a smoke (out the door of course) whilst being able to listen to the morning preacher do his thang via the tv screens they stream into your accommodation. The guy Malcolm Duncan is a legend. I dont really know who he is, or where he is from to be honest, I do follow him vaguely on twitter now, and had never heard of him before, however he was witty, funny, engaging, and most of all honest. I liked his willingness to engage with the 3000 plus people if not more? by having a ‘text number’ and then using the first part of his time slot to discuss/answer questions and thoughts that people would text in from the day before/on the topic he was preaching on. I thought this was great and a real gem of a way to engage a) with technology and b) not set himself a part as such from the people he was teaching. Anyway, I remember listening one morning to some of the questions, and one came up … that someone had texted in to him the night before … and I honestly dont recall what the question even was … thats the irrelevant bit to be honest, what I do remember though, is him standing there in front of his little book holder thingy (what do you call those things they put their notes on?) and saying ‘I dont know’ … I nearly spat out my tea. Hes the preacher right. Dont they know everything? (ok, so I know they dont know everything but isnt that the usual perception that is given about these people? ) So, to hear this guy on a big stage simply say ‘ i dont know’ to something was, for me, astonishing. and Refreshing. I was like ‘yesssss’ at last! someone at one of these events who is normal! and down to earth, and willing to not speak out of his arse to satisfy people who would expect him to know. He didnt. He was honest. And left it at that. The other thing that left a lasting impression on me about Spring Harvest was the fact that they appeared to, for some topics at least, have people leading talks/seminars who knew what they were on about. I mean, who really knew what they were on about. I attended the seminar that was being run on mental health issues. As most of you know these issues are close to my heart. And I had been bet a tenner by a friend that I would not stay for the whole of it, because I’d get annoyed by the usual ‘christian’ response that gets bandied about when it comes to such things as this like ‘just pray’, ‘you need saving’ ‘have more faith’ and so on … Thing is, that these things are usually addressed by a well meaning person who is perhaps speaking because they have church authority behind them. By that I mean, they are probably a church leader/minister/pastor or someone with some kind of title which makes them important and therfor able to have an opinion on everything and anything. What I found refreshing about the Mental Health one I attended was how sensitively and well done it was actually done (I stayed for it all!). The speaker, who, oddly, in fact very oddly I turned out to know from a previous life, of when I used to volunteer for the youth/young adults stream at another christian weekend event in Lincoln (years and years ago i might add!!) was Dr Roger Bretherton. A very well qualified physchologist. Who lectures at a local Uni on the topic. And who is obviously also a Christian. It meant so much to hear him talk on the realities of life with mental health illness, and the normal stuff, as well as bringing in the spiritual/christian element in a very non judgemental way. I went away with lots of food for thought. All in all SH was a huge week for me because it challenged me. It challenged my attitude. My attitude towards God, other Christians, learning, my life, my past and my future. I really hope I am able to make it in 2012 – (sorry for the essay there about SH!)
* 2011 also saw various other things happen such as meeting Dan, who bless his heart didnt turn out to be Mr Right, despite his insistence. Thankfully after a few difficult and interesting moments with that story he got the message.
* 2011 saw me change jobs, wahooo. I still work for the same company, at the same place/site, with the same patients, however I am now the Activities Co Ordinator and cover alot of the Pastoral Care that takes place in my work place with the patients we care for who are all very ill and nearing the end of their lives. Its an incredibly challenging role, that often has many ups and downs, and can be very emotional however after spending quite a few years as a team leader there, working many hours/shifts and having much responsibility I am enjoying the freedom of regular hours, most weekends off and being able to have quality time doing what I love – communicating and trying to ensure people have the best quality of life possible.
There have been many many other moments I could document about 2011 such as getting to know lots and lots of new people, meeting new people, getting to know people I already knew but just much better.
When I started to write this, I didnt think I would have enough to fill out one blog, let alone run out of time and space to fit everything in … I hope your still awake and have not fallen asleep yet !!!
there is more to write about the last year and I also want to write about some thoughts ive had on the year ahead too … but I think I am going to do this in two parts … so for now, I’m signing out, but I’ll be back soon with Part 2
xx
