January 15, 2012
I guess it is fair to say that 2012 is now in full swing, being the middle of January. My end of year review has been quite late this year, usually its at the end of a year, as it should be, not the beginning of the next one. Hey ho … I am also quite late in writing a Part 2, as i felt Part 1 had gone on long enough so I though I would split it into two parts.
so, below is the last thing I want to mention about 2011 …
* I was just back reading a blog which had something written in it that has stunned me. Alot actually. In Feb 2011, I wrote ‘It has been 10 months since I last self harmed’. That in itself was massive. To now be able to sit here and write that its been over 20 months is even more massive. I dont know who reads this blog, and its fair to say I dont know your experience and your thoughts on things like self harm, however for me, it has been a very big part of my life. For a long time a very secret part of my life, something I never wanted anyone to know about, and was very careful to make sure no one did/could see. Once or twice in a few crises moments would ‘seen’ places such as my arms be affected, but on the whole I self harmed in places no one could see. It was not about attention. It was not about people knowing. It was a personal private thing. And so very hard to try and explain the release, physically and emotionally self harming gave to me. Its fair to say it hasnt been easy. Theres been some close moments! It still isnt easy, because when things get tough its often the first thought that comes into my head … maybe because it was a coping mechanism for so long … and dont get me wrong I’m not saying i’ll never go back to it. I hope i dont though. So, as to how that relates to 2011 … I’ve gone a whole date wise year without self harming. Wow.
I wanted to share the above with you because i see as being something that reflects how 2011 has been for me. There seems to have been very little ‘drama’ throughout the year, which is unusual, but what there has been in a steady continuation of the journey that I guess i could call recovery, or moving on, or whatever phrase you want to use to be honest.
Its fair to say, and I am sure I have written this before somewhere either on here or twitter, that 10 years ago I could have never imagined in my wildest dreams that life would turn out how it has done so far. I could never have imagine how tough it would/was going to get. Dont get me wrong, I was not stupid, or naieve, I knew life wasn’t a bed of roses from an early age, but equally so, I didnt think that when things were already tough, they would get even tougher, and more tougher on top of that.
I never imagined that once id been crushed into tiny little pieces, that Id then get trampled on, and turned into even smaller bits. Fragments into more fragments until there was nothing left. Who does? But it happened …
however, here I still am. And somehow surviving, and dare i say it … almost thriving?
I am on a road, a long road which i am sure is going to throw out more blows no doubt, but a road which has some sunshine on it too … i am starting to enjoy life, enjoying learning how to live again, how to laugh, how to love.
And i cant not say thank you to everyone who has been involved in my journey. People as i mentioned in my previous blog whom I dont think I could ever express truly how grateful i am to, for their love.
as for 2012 … who knows what it will bring? I dont for sure …
however, as i think about the year ahead, i think about the three new years resolutions I have made (something i never normally do ) …
they are :
1) to lose weight ( see my blog titled My name is fragmentz and I’m fat (no really I am) to see why this is SO important to me! It is something that I am going to spend alot of 2012 focussing on. My first goal is to lose 2 stone by Easter, which is roughly 2 pounds a week, and by eating sensibly, going to the gym and execising more and the help of Slimming World, I am sure i can achieve this. The bigger goal is way to huge to think about all in one go … as ideally its about 6/7 stone … i dont think i’ll reach that by the end of the year but If i could be well on the way, id be pleased.
2) to continue moving forwards … to spend more time looking into the present and forwards instead of backwards. this one is simple in words, but maybe not to simple in actual practice. My past is part of who I am . Its part of who everyone is. And i disagree hugely with the pastor who once told me that if i became a Christian my past would be erased and i’d forget it. Unless you took my brain away, or erased my memory entirely, then that aint going to happen. And why would I want that … because despite some of the horrific memories, and the things that have happened that haunt me, and even to this day appear in my sleep sometimes, why would I want to erase some of the happy memories? I dont want to erase my past. and some of the experiences are shaping who i am becoming now … shaping how I am able to support other people in their lives. For example, there is a situation with someone who I chat with regularly to, who I would not be able to walk along side and support in the way I do, if i had not experienced what I have (if that makes any sense). So, although i dont want to ‘forget’ my past i also dont want to spend more time dwelling on than living in the present or looking towards the future. I want to spend more time focussing on the here and now, and the things to come, then what has been and gone. Its something i am going to try anyway!
3) to somehow get closer to God/to learn more about God (I have no idea in what shape or form this will happen). This is a biggie. For me anyway. As I wrote before, I had some interesting experiences in 2011, including Spring Harvest. Those experiences have made me come to terms with the fact I am a Christian. Yep. I am. Even on the dark days. I am. And actually I have been for some time. But Ive just chosen to sway between good and bad days and ‘yes i believe today’ and ‘ no i dont’ … so, for 2012 I want to be more committed. To God. I dont know how this is going to look. What shape or form this will play out. But I am going to give it a go. I want to learn more about God. I want to get to know more about Him, and more of Him. I want to understand more of His will, and why He came to die, and forgive. I want to learn more about his nature. I want to continue my relationship with Him … and deepen what I already know. This is tied in with Number 2, about looking forwards and not backwards too. I want to do the same with God. I want to try and come to terms with my past and the role god has played in it, but also then to look forwards more. As i said, who knows how this will play out … maybe it wont at all. But I hope it will.
So, thats me done for now … thinking about 2012 and what its going to look like.
October 18, 2011
my name is Fragmentz and im fat … (no, really, i am).
its been a while since i’ve written a blog, hope this update finds i still have people who read. and i also hope that you are all well.
ive titled this post the way i have because its the truth. I am fragmentz. and i am fat. the no really part of the title refers to the many people over the years who have turned round and said ‘no, your not fat’ or ‘dont say that about your self’ … all people who mean well, and who think i am just being hard against myself, which is something i have a good talent at doing.
however, the thing is … i really am fat. no, i am not an anorexic who just thinks i am. i am just fat.
ive recently realised how high my BMI is, and that in the space of 3 months ish, i have put on nearly a stone. a stone on top of the too many i already own. i always knew my bmi was high … of course i did … but i never could have imagined how high.
I had to buy a new top recently for something i was attending, and ive never had to buy such big clothes in my life.
over the last few years i have seen a few programmes on the television, about people who are so big weight wise that they have become labels such as ‘half ton dad’ or ’60 stone mother’ or whatever … and although I am not exactly 60 stone, or half a ton … i am fat. i weigh alot. i am ‘morbidly obese’. i am a walking heart attack. i am a walking health hazard. i could drop dead any minute and they would probably blame it on my weight. in fact, people probably look at me and blame everything on my weight.
and i could end up ultimately like some of those people on these documentaries.
now, dont get me wrong … being fat does not stop me doing stuff particularly. i dont need two seats on a coach, or am unable to put on my own shoes etc … but it does stop me from many other things.
it stops my ability to be healthy, to think about food properly, to exercise sensibly, to do things that normal fit people would do, like run, jog, walk miles. all things which dont worry me too much because not everyone does anyway right? fat or not.
however something it stops me from doing is forming relationships. with the opposite sex. in a romantic way.
it also stops me feeling good about myself. it feeds into the ability i have to tell myself how ugly i am, and why would anyone ever want to be interested in me, looking the way i do.
it stops me buying the clothes i want to, and feeling like i look nice.
the battle of my weight is raging. big time. it has done for many many years … but never more so than now. where i stand at my biggest ever.
and i have mostly done it to myself. i have eaten too much food. i have eaten the wrong foods. i have eaten at the wrong times. i have not taken any care what so ever of my body and what i have been putting into it. i have not taken properly the medications i should be taking to deal with an underactive thyroid (which can aid you in gaining weight – the underactive thryoid that is, not the medications!). i have used food as a comfort. i have seen food as a friend. i have had an unhealthy ability to binge but forget to throw it all back up, each and every time.
why? because i think i feel like i deserve to be fat. i know no other way of living. and that i couldnt possibly look after myself, because i inherently believed that i didnt deserve that.
and it stops unwanted attention. at the very heart of it, it stops people looking at me. in fact, now i am realising it dosnt, because people still look at you, but go ‘eugh, i wouldnt touch that’ … but i can cope with people saying bad things about me or at me … after all thats how life rolls right? what is harder is to accept people saying nice things …
its hard to accept people saying you look nice … if the outfit you wear is good, its hard to hear people say ‘your hair looks nice’.
and over the years its been easier to make myself look a way that causes people to generally be un nice than any other option.
its what i have wanted. its what works with my level of self confidence. and when i was very very unwell with depression, it just fed into that even more …
when i was so unable to even contemplate life being worth living, which some of you may know about, and some of you may not … i was pretty much incapable of thinking about much, especially about myself in a positive way. and so my eating habits and my weight were not an issue. after all, i wanted to die anyway, so whether i died skinny/thin/healthy or fat didnt really matter did it?
thing is … that was a little while ago now … and i am not saying i dont struggle with depression … of course i do … but the desperate feeling of darkness, of being in a hole so deep there was no way of getting out of it has moved away a little …
i am learning to live again, i am learning to laugh again, i am learning to smile, and do stuff i enjoy, and accept that maybe, somehow in the mess that i call my life … maybe there is a bit of hope. it takes a long time … and i still find the pitfalls … the bumps in the road that knock me back a bit
but i am so thankful to have some amazing friends and people around me who support me in that … and see me through it.
i am learning that there is hope. i am learning to have faith. i am learning that life isnt all about ‘survival’.
and so to that end … because for me, right now, life isnt just about ‘getting through’ and surviving I feel I have the ability to focus a little bit on other things. Maybe on things that could improve my life. the life i have right now, and am living. because actually, it aint so bad … really, it aint so bad to still be here.
but what could make it better … and make myself happier is to lose some weight.
i aint planning on getting to size 6, as if that would ever happen … but i can take steps and be proactive in losing weight, becoming slimmer, and in the process a healthier and fitter person.
so, i have joined a diet plan. slimming world to be precise. i am going back to the gym.
and i am determined to try and lose weight. i am determined to eat healthier. to not stop eating, as if that would ever happen either … but to diet in a sensible way.
the target is 5 stone. the plan was to do that in a year. i dont know if thats too high or not. i wont be upset if i dont reach that.
its time to try hard to unravel some of the damage i have done to my body over the years.
its going to be a long haul. i know that. big time.
so bear with me. when i moan. when i groan. when i tweet or blog about not being bothered. because actually i am.
when i say ‘i dont care if i am fat or not’ i do.
when i say ‘its ok what you look like or what weight you are’ i dont mean that about myself. i genuinely mean that about people who are genuinely unaffected by their sizes … but actually i kid myself by saying those things … because its easier to put on the brave face then to face the reality of life being fat. its easier to joke, be jolly … and say im happy and size shouldnt matter. because actually it does … deep down it does … to me, about me
*i am not talking about anyone else and their weight and how they should feel or be, whatsoever, as i am aware everyone feels and sees this issue differently*
i once sat in the staff room chatting to a group of people. everyone was doing the typical ‘it doesnt matter what weight you are’ talk … and one person, who over the years has become a friend just spoke out loudly and said ‘i think it does’ … everyone stopped and started to argue with her. her point however was simply put … it does matter if it matters to the person themself who is fat.
and however much i deny it, which i am good at .. it matters to me.
so, this is the start of another journey in my life (just think how boring it would be if there wasnt SOMETHING going on eh!)
a journey to get myself trimmer, slimmer and healthier.
heres hoping huh!