April 11, 2011
I have no idea where this post is going, but, anyway …
my life is full of milestones. lots of them. lots of ‘its been x amount of years since this … or that’
today is one of those milestone days.
its been 3 years since i tried to take my own life. and failed miserably (well, at the time it was miserable failure)
i got my dates a little confused last week, with something else, but having clarified with my faithful old journal, today is the day. 3 years ago. wow. where have those 3 years gone? sometimes it feels like it was only yesterday, sometimes it feels like it was a long time ago.
and what an immense journey it has been. the journey beforehand was immense anyway, so i guess its been extra immense since.
Sometimes i try to put into words just how incredibly hard the last 5 years of my life have been. And i am never quite sure if i have managed to do it justice, or whether or not i just come across like some whining woman. I hope i dont. Something I think about quite often is how 5 years ago I had no idea how life was going to roll for the next set of 5 years. Same with 10 years ago. Who knew that 10 years ago the roller coaster ride of my life would bring me to this point.
Who could ever have imagined that when you are already at the very bottom, end of the rope, struggling to hang on anyway, that life could get 100 % worse. That one moment life meant one thing, and the next moment it meant another. I was already unwell, struggling with childhood memories, abuse, self harm, faith and God, big time, and then came the assault.
I wrote in a blog once, this blog, some time ago, about feeling like a glass vase, being broken in to pieces. And then each piece of glass being broken even more, into tiny shards. The smallest bits, until there were no bits left, just dust, sprinkled all over the floor, for people to trample on. Thats how i felt. It was all too much. Too too much.
i had to do something. to get out of it. on reflection, i now feel guilty. i didnt leave anything, for anyone. my head was in a spin. i was being irrational. even to this day, some very close family members do not know, because it would hurt them too much to.
I could not see any other way, i felt like life would be better with out life. i already had no life, so what was the point in breathing? I felt like everyone elses life would be better without me in it. i was too messed up, too complicated, too many issues, too much hurt/pain, too much for anyone to do anything with.
so i tried to die.
it didnt work. now i say that thankfully! it didnt work. i do believe here by the grace of god i stand (the story of how i was found is a whole other blog for another time)
thing is, its fair to say, despite it all, there were people who were able to do something with me. people who loved me. who cared.
who helped me pick myself up off the floor, and slowly turned the dust back into shards, and then into fragments. Ever so slowly and lovingly teaching me that life can be worth something. that life IS worth something. that I am worth something.
its been a long ride, and one that isnt over yet. but 3 years on and life is slowly turning. I am learning to live with myself, and some of the pain. I am learning to laugh again, to smile again, to have fun again. i am learning that I am never going to forget the past, but there is a way, and a time to move on from it. to not be beholden to it. that doesnt mean i dont have my dark days. i do. nights when i cant sleep because the nightmares have kept me awake, or i am so restless because something has triggered a memory. however, the intensity of it all isnt as intense. I dont want to die because of it!
the last thing to say that i am learning to do again, is to love and accept love. i am learning to love people and life again and accept that people and life love me.
I would like to say such a deep huge and heartfelt thank you to all of the people involved in my life the last however many years.
You have all had a part to play in the fact I am still here now. Thankyou.
thank you for everything you have done and do for me. you really have and do make a difference.
lots of love
January 23, 2011
I usually hate nothing more than TV adverts, but this one, well this one is brilliant. In the sixty seconds it lasts I find myself completely mesmerized and immersed in it. I don’t know whether it’s the dialogue or the fact that Dustin Hoffman is delivering it because I could listen to him talk all day. But what I do know is that each time I watch it makes me think of the subject he mentions… Stories. Like is mentioned in the clip, a story can make you laugh, laugh so hard that your stomach hurts, they can make you cry, they can make you question yourself, reminisce of times gone by or people you miss, remind you of good things to come and in some cases can completely turn a life around or completely change it all together whether for good or bad.
I love stories. Not necessarily my own though because I’m terrible for telling a story and realising half way through or worse once I’ve finished it that I’m the only one who finds it funny or interesting.But I love listening to other people stories. I don’t care if it’s a story about them washing their hair in the morning, going down to the shop to buy a pint of milk or if it’s a more serious one about something that’s upsetting you or your going through at the time. I just love it when someone shares their story.
For me personally I love sitting and listening to stories from my family. Take my Dad for instance. My Dad is brilliant at telling stories. I love hearing of times when he worked on the rigs, stories that you know are disgusting and you shouldn’t laugh but still find yourself still completely creased over at. Or my Mum who a lot of the time can’t tell stories because she is too busy laughing herself. And then there’s Dave, my Step-Dad, who is terrible for telling really bad jokes or stories from his “Essex background” and sometimes we’re “lucky” to hear the same story more than once.
But my point is this… This advert sparked the trail of thought that made me realise that even though I love hearing peoples stories, that sometimes I take them for granted or don’t fully appreciate them. Sometimes people talk about something that doesn’t usually interest me, Something I might not agree with or I sometimes take it for granted that the person telling me the story or the person in the story will be around for years to come. The best example of this would be the recent passing of my Grandad Pete, well my step-grandad technically but I looked up to him enough that I just looked at him as if he was my Grandad. I loved it when he would tell stories of the troubles and strifes he would be having that week with his wife Belle, or when Dad mentioned the two of them, at times I genuinely thought that if the BBC filmed them they would be the new big double act. But I took it for granted I would be able to enjoy a new story every week for years to come. But now that he is gone I miss those stories.
It’s so easy to not see the importance in a story, to just dismiss it as ‘Just another conversation’ or not give the person to tell their story in the first place as sometimes our own ego and attention seeking seems more important than listening to the other person. I know I’m more guilty of that as anyone. But this advert, for something as simple as a new TV channel has challenged me to more of an effort to listen to others, to share in the brilliance of a story, their story, together.
(You can check out Cal’s blog out at tbsiamb and do feel free to post any thoughts/comments you have)
(Fragmentz would like to Thank Cal very much for agreeing to be a Guest Blogger )
January 6, 2011
this is one of those songs ive mentioned as being very special. because a friend sent into me, to listen to. i had never heard of them, or the song. and it was such a needed piece of music at that time, and is on my list of top 5 songs.
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