I’m attempting to post most days in 2011
January 4, 2011
Happy new Year from Fragmentz everyone! I hope for all of you, wherever you are right now, and what ever situations you are in/dealing with that 2011 will treat you kindly, that you will be loved and have people to love, and that the year brings some of your dreams/wishes/desires.
I had intended to write a ‘its the new year, lets review the past’ kinda blog, but i have decided that it will be 2011 for quite some time yet, so there is no rush to do that, so in time, i will be looking at the last 10 years, or some of it, and I will be thinking about the future year/years to come, my hopes, and aims. Just going to be taking my time 
Anyway, with a little nudge from friends, and a project that word press have launched for 2011, ive decided that I am going to attempt to post most days in 2011. I think the actual word press project is to post every day, however I think that might be slightly ambitous and setting dear Fragz for a mighty fall, and also once a week is too little, so my aim is to post most days!
I feel I have neglected my blog, my readers, my friends who follow me, and my own desire to write and be creative, either with blog writing, poetry or photo taking. So, one of my ambitions for this year is to tap back into what I enjoy doing.
If you already follow me, thanks you, I really value your support and if your new or a recent follower, welcome to the ride! I look forwards to hearing from you guys soon.
Love Fragmentz x
thinking of you.
December 26, 2010
with half an hour left (or less by the time I have pressed sent) before we leave this day, and move into the 26th Decembers 2010, I wanted to write a little blog.
I wanted to say I’ve been thinking of you today. My friends, my family, people I know well, people I don’t know so well, and people I don;t know at all but have connected with through the wonderful world of online social-ness.
I’ve spent most of today working, and so throughout the course of my very busy shift I have also had the chance to think about people I’ve never even met, or know about, such as the sick (very poignant considering my job), the homeless, the hungry.
I want to say Merry Christmas to those of you who have had lovely days, and I really really hope thats most of you. I hope you’ve all had a good chance to be with friends, and family, and people who you love and who love you.
I want to say I’ve been thinking of you too though if your day has not been so merry. In your hurting, your grieving, your pain. You have been in my thoughts and I hope today has been survivable.
lots of love
Fragmentz x
please remember them.
November 11, 2010
They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember themLaurence Binyon
Some of you who read this blog regularly may remember a post I wrote a year ago to the day, which was called ‘thank you’. It was about the experience I had with a person I was working with, an elderly gentleman who I had the honour of sitting with and talking about the war, stirred by the fact it was Remembrance Day. I shall not have that opportunity again, because sadly he died during the course of the last year, peacefully. You can find the blog here if you would like to read it : Thank you
When I wrote those words, last year, I had already been and took part in the service in town, at the 11th hour on the 11 day, of the 11 month. To remember.
As I write now, although it is 11th Nov 2010, its the middle of the night, and I have yet to go. But I shall.
Again, I shall go and stand with many hundreds, and be silent for 2 minutes. Another year has gone by, another year of people dying, in the name of their country. Another year of a war still raging, and another year of young men and woman selfless giving up their daily lives and for many their entire lives to protect with a dream of peace.
In our local newspaper, as with many local papers I am sure, there was a letter from a local Legion man, asking and encouraging support. Beside it was a smaller letter from a lady, explaining why she would be wearing a white poppy. Thing is, I do not see Rememberance Day as an appropiate day to be making a political statement.
I also do not see how wearing a red poppy suggests you do not stand for peace. I know what the poppy is, and stands for. If you don’t know the history behind the poppy, google, check it out. Its to do with the fact that poppy flowers grew out on land that was ravaged and devastated by war. It was a field that became a grave for many men. It was a field that something did grow on and survive. The poppy. The poppy represented then and does represent life, colour and hope.
A poppy represents rememberence and in this busy world, and in this day and ages when our lives are so full of other stuff, I do believe in the importance of just stopping. For two minutes of a day. Its not much is it ?
Stop , regardless of whether you agree with war or not, to remember the lives loss, and being lost now.
To remember the families effected. The children growing up without parents. The parents continuing to age without their children. The brothers and sisters who have lost siblings.
To remember those soldiers out in the battle grounds today, and those being rehabilitated after horrific injuries.
I’d also urge you to read my previous blog actually as I think it says well how I feel. Its linked above and talks a bit about why its so important to me. And in fact, as every year goes by, seems to become more and more important. Maybe its because I have a serving family member out on post presently, and a friend about to fly out as a chaplain to the soldiers already out there. Maybe its because I could easily have grown up without a mother, or a father who both served in the military.
I am not asking anyone to condone war. I am not asking people to debate it.
I am just simply and respectfully asking that you spend two minutes to remember them, on the 11th hour, of the 11th day on the 11 month.
lets talk about … rape.
October 8, 2010
yep, you read the title right. rape. thats what this blog is about. if it is something that just reading the word or thinking about it makes you flinch, for whatever reason, i understand if your unable to read the following post.
I just felt it fair to warn you right at the very beginning so you can make the informed decision as to whether to read on or not. I really do not wish to upset anyone, and whilst writing this blog, and rereading it for the umpteenth time I have considered and re considered whether to actually publish/post this, however I came to the conclusion that I would not be being true to myself and this blog if I didn’t.
so, on we go …
.
.
.
when I logged into my computer this morning, like every morning, the first thing I do is to check out the BBC News website, just to glance over, to check out whats going on in and around the world. One of the headlines I saw was
‘ Rapist attacked woman twice in 12 weeks in south London’. I then clicked to read the story which you can find here …
i dont know about any one else, but as I read this, and the story, all i could do was think of the woman. the victim. the person who was raped. the survivor. and even as i am writing this, right now, i am thinking of her, and sending her my silent thoughts and prayers, that she may somehow learn to live through her ordeal and somehow come to a place of peace.
throughout today, my mind kept returning to this story, and to the woman involved. thinking about what a horrific and life changing moment it is for it to happen once, but to happen twice?
then, this evening, i was watching tv, and law and order UK came on. never seen it before, but nothing else was on that i liked the look of. the story line was complex, i don’t deny that, and please dont think i am trying to make light of any of the other issues the episode this evening used, however, towards the end, rape was one that was bought in. the woman, already in prison for other offences (all fictitious) was then in court accused of murder, of someone who was raping her. there was a scene, which was almost tearjerking where the barrister trying to help her sat with her in her cell and talked to her about what some would see as the human aspect of being raped.
the aspect of not having a choice. of not being in the wrong. of not asking for it to happen. for losing a part of something that is yours. something that you hold dear, that is yours, that gets taken away. it nearly made me cry.
i thought and thought about blogging on this topic, decided not to, then decided to, and went round in circles.
as i was deciding i looked up the definition of rape online. and found a dictionary which says this :
noun, verb, raped, rap·ing.
–noun
1.the unlawful compelling of a woman through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse.
2.any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person.
3.statutory rape.
4.an act of plunder, violent seizure, or abuse; despoliation; violation: the rape of the countryside.
5.Archaic . the act of seizing and carrying off by force.
point 3. is Statutory rape. this would appear mostly in US law and is the act of sexual intercourse with a person under the age of consent. I would like to point out, that that is something i am not writing about at present.
In fact, what i am really focussing on, as i write this blog, is the act of rape against a woman, which essentially is having sexual intercourse without her consent.
there are lots of ways this occurs, such as stranger rape, so a random attack, maybe in the street?
it could be marital rape, so within a marriage this act occurs.
it could be date rape, where drugs are used, so persons are not aware.
it could be something that happens within many boundaries.
I’d also like to highlight that rape among men happens too, there are men who are raped. its not as highlighted as woman, and maybe not so common, however that does not mean it is not a real thing happening out there.
if you want to find out more about the definitions, or what constitutes rape, or within what circumstances it can happen, do google. You can find a whole world of information out there, that might educate you, that might shock you, that might make you want to pray for people involved in this.
months ago, i wrote a blog about depression, and it was after i watched a programme about the illness in the sporting profession, and how rife it is. I wrote something on the lines of how indiscriminate depression is, as an illness, how it can find and attack all kinds and every kinds of people.
this afternoon, that was my exact thought about rape.
rape can affect anyone, and everyone, god forbid, but if could even be you, your wife, your husband, your daughter, your son, your best friend, your neighbour, your mum, your dad. who knows? it could be anyone.
as mentioned above it could be, and often is within the constraints of a marriage, but when it comes to random attacks by strangers, as well as the victim being anyone, it could also occur anywhere.
on the bus you travel home on, on the street you walk down to get to the shop, the shopping mall you buy your clothes in. it could be the train station you wait at everyday. maybe it could be at the festival you go to every year, and camp out with friends at while listening to great music ? (i was shocked to read several reports over the summer of rape occurring at a UK based music festival)
it could be outside or inside a place you feel the most safe. a hospital maybe, a church, who knows …. it could be anywhere.
i dont say the above as scare tactics. thats the last thing i would want to do to. i don’t know the statistics, but one thing that is clear is although it can happen to anyone, and anywhere, it doesn’t. the amount of people who are attacked and raped are in minority to those who are not. so pleased do not walk away from this blog being afraid of all the above places. thats not the intention (but obviously good personal awareness and safety is always wise) .
what i have been thinking about all evening, tonight, is about the victims of such attacks. the victim of a rape. how they are left feeling, how their lives are so changed by something that maybe only took a few minutes to happen. how one minute, life was ok, and you were walking to the bus to go and see someone, and the next your in a heap on a floor in the middle of an empty street, sobbing as they run away from you. one minute you had your phone in your hand, texting a friend to say how long you would be and the next minute someone is running towards you to help you up off the ground, and to call an ambulance, or the police.
how one minute life was pretty clear and defined, and the next in all the haze and commotion, you realise that your life has changed forever. because nothing will ever be the same again. ever.
the thing about rape, is that physically one may be able to recover quite quickly. depending on the nature of the attack. for others it may take longer. maybe physical bruising and pain takes longer to disappear and fade. but eventually they do fade, as do all physcial signs of what happens. and what your are left with is what is in your head. what is left are the memories, the thoughts, the flashbacks, the nightmares, the scin crawling moments where all you want to do is scrub your skin over and over until it bleeds or you feel clean again.
thing is, for many victims, and i dont speak for them all, in fact, maybe i dont speak for any other than one, but i guess for many, and i know for one, that actually, for them, to ever feel clean again, is the biggest of tasks.
its hard to explain that kind of thinking to someone who may not have the empathy or understanding. and thats ok, because not everyone will or does. its a big complex area. however, something kicks into your head. all you want is cleanliness, but whether you actually every achieve that again, who knows.
because the way you see it, the only way you can see it, is that something you had absolutely no choice over happens, took over, and that some of you was taken away.
you spend weeks and months trying to wipe it away, erase it but you cant. you spend days sitting in silence, with tears rolling down wishing you had done something different. wishing perhaps you hadnt walked down that same road you walked down every day. or thinking perhaps it was your fault because you dared to leave the house and walk the street you live on. you analyse what you could have done differently. what you did that made it your fault. you come up with one hundred reasons why it was your fault, even though every single one of those is wrong, and not true.
and then, because a few years before, the only way you knew how to deal with life was to cut your body, you decide that right now, its the only way again. so you find the knifes, and razors and start to carve your body up.
you also decide that maybe alcohol will change whats happen. so you drink. and drink.
and pretty damn soon, the physical scars are gone, and your left with an emotional mental heap with thoughts going round you can deal with , and cant process, and figure out.
perhaps it is the most life changing thing you will experience? maybe it is one of the most life changing experiences, because maybe, you were abused as a child anyway, and bullied as a teenager, and beaten by your siblings, and so, as an adult when this happens, maybe you shrug it off and think, well, i deserve it anyway.
maybe.
maybe not. maybe you would deal with it different. maybe you have?
somehow though, you have to keep going, keep breathing, taking each day as they come, day by day, and week by week and very quickly those days and weeks turn into months and years.
and although the pains and non visible scars dont go away, are not forgotten about, maybe you discover a way of living, that means you can move on. maybe you can learn to be at peace with yourself? and dare i say it, the person who committed this crime against you?
i dont know. maybe.
being raped tears a soul apart. being raped can break a person. being raped
rises up such a huge amount of emotions. rage. anger. pain. humiliation. embarrassment. silence.
often there is silence. a huge silence because you dont know what to say or how to say it. a huge silence because people around you dont know what to say. or how to say it.
and i guess, the reason i personally am writing this blog, is to be part of a process that is breaking the ‘silence’.
i mentioned i was writing this blog to a few a people today, i got a couple of positive reactions, and a couple of ‘oooh do you think thats a good idea’ responses.
i am aware, that some of this blog has gone into ramble mode, and i have to confess i am not too sure what my main objective of it was, as i started to write, other than to raise the topic, type it, write about it, and bring it into the blogosphere (i am sure others have done this too, so it isnt just me). i wanted to be part of the group of people breaking silence on the topic. i want people to talk about it. so it is not something others feel they have to be silent about. i want it talked about in our churches too. because right now, how churches meet the needs of survivors of abuse, and rape has alot to be desired for, if you ask me, though i acknowledge there are some good places.
i think i wanted to say out loud to whoever is reading this, that if you are a victim of rape it is not your fault. you didn’t ask for it. you didn’t want that happen. sex was not designed to be something that was taken away from you. it wasnt back then in jesus day, and it isnt now.
i have run out of writing steam, although i have more to say on this topic.
but please, if you feel you have something to say on this, please feel free to respond.
i shall be back to write about this again.
also, if this has stirred anything and you want to talk to someone, in the UK the Samaritans run a 24 hour service where you can call and find someone on the other end of the line : UK 08457 90 90 90
world suicide prevention day
September 10, 2010
hey peoples.
Hope this blog finds everyone well. I am always honoured that people come by and read the stuff i have to say. I hope you have enjoyed the last couple of blogs, about Greenbelt. just to let you know, I have a third and final Greenbelt blog to post, which will come in the next few days.
However, today I want to write about something else. Because today, 10th September 2010 is World Suicide Prevention Day.
I am sure, that there are lots of blogs out there being written about today, and about this topic, so my thoughts may be nothing original or new /different or profound, however what they are is something personal to me.
I am no expert on this topic (or any other for that matter) and so all I have to go on is experience.
The experience of losing someone I loved, respected and had a lot of time for to suicide, and the experience of being in a place myself that felt like the blackest of black holes and no way to climb out of it, other than to think the best option was to die.
I was a young teen when we got a phone call, and my stepdad answered it. I knew then that something was wrong. He sounded serious. He often does, but it was a different kind of serious, and as he walked into the lounge, I knew in my heart that something had happened. As soon as he said A’s name, I put the pieces together, and knew. I don’t think I actually heard my stepdad telling me what had happened through the tears. Turns out, that A had felt he couldn’t go on any more. That was my first experience of the thing they called suicide. At that point, A was someone I trusted. He had been my youth leader for some time. Someone who hosted BBQ’s, who listened to my teenage woes, who talked me through issues when they were too much for my head to deal with. And to be honest, when i was that age I was a bit of a self absorbed. So much stuff was going on in my home life, with my brother being very unwell and a drug user, and issues with my biological dad as well, I kinda looked up to A, to be there, and had no real idea of what was going on behind ‘his smile’. The first I knew all was not so well was when he was admitted to hospital. for help. It didn’t.
I cant profess to know what was totally going on in his head. What his thoughts were. I cant profess to really know how his wife felt, and how his children coped, being very young and now beautiful young adults themselves, but dealing with the loss of a father they can only have a few memories of, as they were so little back then. I cant profess to know how his close friends felt.
The only thing I do know is that, for A, at that time, there was no other way out. None. It was his way out.
It was mine too …
April 2008 – I even remember the date exactly. My life had slowly fallen apart, over a period of a few years. I was physically unwell, and mentally in a mess. I was trying to hold on to little strands of hope, and every time I thought I had hold of one firmly it was snipped away, cut in half, broken.
I once wrote, on this blog, about feeling like a vase, being broken, into tiny tiny shards of glass. And each time glass was broken, I would think it couldnt break any more, but it did, until eventually it was a dust. Eventually, so broken there is nothing left.
Thats how i felt. thats how it was.
Its very hard to explain, because I dont know who is going to be reading this blog, and what your views are. Its hard to describe to people just how much pain and torment you can be in. Its hard to put across, that actually, there really is sometimes no way out.
I didn’t know where to turn. i couldnt see a turning. a right, a left, a forwards, or even a backwards. I couldnt see anything.
Well i lie, i could see something, it was hell. It wasnt something I could just ‘pray’ myself out of. It was not something I could just ‘get a grip’ out of. It wasnt something i could get out of without making sure I went to sleep, not to wake up again.
And , so to that end, thats what I chose to do. and took enough of the stuff I did to make sure I didnt.
Thing is , for me, I survived. Thats a whole different blog/story in itself, for another time. But i survived. It hasnt been easy since, but two years on and life is moving in a different direction, I am learning to live again with the help of some lovely super people, learning to love again, learning to smile again, and although the process is long, and sometimes very tiring, rebuilding life. and thats a good thing.
As part of that process, the last few months have seen me become more involved in supporting people with issues I myself have experience in. It involves chatting to other survivors of child hood abuse, it involves speaking out about stuff, it involves having a voice. And sometimes thats exciting, sometimes its scary too, but an important thing.
Thing is, the way I see it, is that its important that peoples perception of issues are challenged. Especially, issues such as suicide.
Its important people are not afraid to talk about it.
Its important for people to know we’re not freaks, and neither are the people who have gone before us and have not survived.
Its also important to acknowledge the pain and heartache suicide causes.
Which is why I have rambled on above.
To this end, today, on world suicide prevention day, at 8pm, in just a little while in my time zone, I shall be lighting a candle, in memory of those we have lost, those who have survived, and those who are affected by it.
I hope you are able to join me, and if you read this when the time has passed i encourage you to say a thought, or a prayer, or something in your own time.
Also, if you are struggling, the samaritans number is - 08457 90 90 90 – please give them a call, and i urge you to seek help.
greenbelt – blog 2 – my angels
September 6, 2010
Greenbelt runs something called ‘Angels’, and thats the name given to people who give to the festival on a regular/monthly basis. Thats a great thing to do for some people, and I think it makes up something like 15% of their income, so is a good thing. However, I do happen to believe that there are many many Greenbelt Angels out there, regardless of whether they financially give every month or not. I know, actually there are thousands of them, people who give up their time to volunteer, people who have come to the aid of others, people who have dished out food and hot drinks to folk in need over the weekend because a)they’ve run out of gas b)tents blown down c)other reasons. They are people I have been hearing about all over Greenbelt 2010, for example the guy who came to the aid of a stranger who fell with plasters and walked her to the medical tent, its the people who welcomed a guy who was camping alone and ‘adopted’ him for the weekend as it was his first Greenbelt. There are lots of other stories, I could go on … but I wanted to, in this blog talk about a few of the angels who appeared for me over Greenbelt 2010, which made it an altogether better place to be.
While writing this blog, I am listening to Foy Vance, who wrote and sings a song called ‘Indiscriminate Act of Kindness’. Its a really beautitful song, with stunning lyrics. You need to check it out. But its a story, about a girl, and a guy who does the girl a favour, and expects no pay in return. Its about an act of indisciminate kindness.
I hope, everyone at some point, in their life time is at the receiving end of an indiscriminate act of kindness, I know for me, and my journey of living I have been , many many times. They can be huge things, which I have experience of, and they can be little things which I have also experienced through the last twenty something years. (this song moves me to beyond, and I may well write more about it at some other point)
Anyway, back to Greenbelt 2010. This year I was helped out by some angels, who displayed acts of kindness, they didnt have to.
Starting with a guy called Andy – thanks andy – I managed to rope Andy into meeting me on the Thursday, so I could borrow his air bed pump. After learning my lesson of having no air in a bed, I was adamant I would make sure that didnt happen this year, so before the weekend i put out a little advert on a greenbelt forum to see if anyone had an air bed pump I could borrow. As it happens it was raining when I arrived, and Andy, having worked a night shift was there to greet me, and then spent the next 30 minutes or so, in the rain, helping my drag all my luggage/tent/stuff around the site trying to find a friend and somewhere to plonk myself to set up. Turns out I didn’t even need to use his airbed pump, but he was such a gracious guy, smiling and chatting all the way, as i kept apologising for him getting wet. I suggested he perhaps regretted offering to help me out, to which he replied ‘i dont often regret things’ and smiled. What a star eh.
The second people I wanna mention, are my friends. Some really beautiful people. Who I love to pieces. Who have meant the world to me, and have been around by my side through my deepest and darkest times. They have sat on the phone and listened to me cry, be hysterical, teach me about living life, and it not being all bad, and when I stay with them, welcome me everyday into a new day. They are so super lovely. They are one of my small handful of peoples that I know throughout the weekend I can ring, and they would be there. The very fact I had those people in place, I think gave me safety, but an ability to know I could also just get on with enjoying the weekend. I was pretty blooming busy anyway all weekend. I didnt get to spend enough time with these people, which I am sad about, BUT they came by fairly early one morning, and whisked me away from the site for a couple of hours, for some tLC and shower love. It made huge difference midway through an amazing but very busy/challenging weekend too, so thanks again.
The other people I’d like to mention, are the guys who helped me pack down on the Tuesday. Angels who appeared at the very right time, and who also smiled all the way through helping me out, despite the fact I then made us miss the shuttle bus (we did get a taxi though which was far nicer). These guys are people I have known a few years and generally meet up with at GB every year. Tuesday morning I was a wreck. I was exhausted. Hadnt slept well, and had had a bit too much wine the night before, so my head hurt 
I had no idea, having recruited Andy at the beginning of the week how to get my stuff out of the site. Several offers came in, from people, but whom I didnt wanna keep hanging around waiting for me. My body ached, my head hurt, and I pretty much wanted to sit and cry, having bravely said to one couple, friends of mine, that they should get off as i had no idea how long i’d be and i didnt want them hanging round for hours on end. As it happened, these angels who appeared, helped me pack, put down my tent, and got me and my stuff to the train station. They were amazing, and made my going home journey so much easier - so thanks to you too!
The last people I want to write about, in this blog anyway, are a couple who I have ‘tweeted’ with for a couple of years or so, i think. We met last year, for all of a few minutes, to have a hug and say hi. That was it. This year, I had the privilege of meeting them and some of the people they were camping with for a coffee. Such lovely people online and in real life. I really enjoyed the drink they bought me, as I had no cash. What a way to scrounge a free drink (thanks for that). However, they became my greenbelt 2010 angels, on the last night. Monday night. After a very busy weekend, I was exhausted, a bit emotional because someone had just said something nice to me, and having not cried all weekend, it was due right?! Anyway, I was behind main stage, and ‘officially’ clocked off, after a manic day/weekend in fact. I walked out on to the field of the main stage, where the sun was just starting to come out/shine out brightly (maybe it was before, but I hadn’t really noticed it’, and for those of you who know the layout, i stood on the right hand side road. Alone. My phone, earlier that day had probably had a fit at being so overused it died. Properly. I was using someone elses spare phone, but had no phone numbers. Couldnt get in touch with anyone, no idea where people were. So, at that point, I think it hit. I had spent all weekend working, grabbing quick coffees here and there with friends, and then when I had the evening free, nothing to do, I couldnt find anyone/contact people, was a total billy no mates. At that point, with the tiredness mixed in, tears fell. Couldnt help it. And then my pocket vibrated (my phone). And a text came through, from someone, didnt know who saying ‘i’m behind you’. At that point I had a spin round, searched for a familiar face, and there, right behind me as they said, were my tweet friends. I went over, and got lovely hugs from them both, and a thank you for volunteering, which set me off with the old tears again. So lovely. And the really other lovely thing, is that they, and the friends they were with accepted me into their little group for the evening. So I sat, and watched, in the sun Foy Vance. Who by chance was on the mainstage, having graciously stepped in to take a slot after being asked due to someone pulling out last minute. I had wanted to see Foy Vance last year but missed due to volunteering, and likewise this year, so it just felt like a really fitting moment, that finally, I was sitting listening/watching him perform, with some people and just chilling. Really lovely, so thank you twitter people for loving me at that moment when i really needed it
I have more to say about Greenbelt 2010, so I think it’ll have to be in a third blog, as for now, I think I have said enough, other than to just say a huge thank you to all you quiet, background working, lovely angel people out there.
Greenbelt – Blog 1
September 4, 2010
Those of you who used to follow my old blog space will know that the last time I wrote about Greenbelt, I was unable to get it all into words in one post, without it being a mega essay, so did a series of GB blogs. I think this year will be similar. I am struggling to sit and write about ‘Greenbelt’ in one go, so shall be doing it in parts again.
this post, however I think is the introduction. For those who dont know what Greenbelt is or does, or means to be, it kinda mentions that. Then i’ll crack on with this years highlights
Greenbelt is, for me, a really special time of year, as I know and am sure it is for many other people too. Its kind of like the end of one year, and the beginning of another. Its my new year. Forget beginning of Jan, for me the time to take stock, to reflect, to think, look back, try to look forwards, move on and lots of other stuff is August Bank Holiday. Its at a racecourse turned into a festival site. Its a place, that when set up, a friend of mine once called ‘Gods Playground’.
Greenbelt is so many things for me. Its the place I first started to explore life as a ‘survivor’ … its the place where I was able to join a group of other people who all got together to support each other throughout the weekend, and its the place where I found some safety in a world that felt unsafe. Its the place where I first cried my eyes out until they ran dry, with someone sat beside me offering me tissues and a lighter for the ever many ciggies i kept lighting. Its the place I felt accepted, without condemnation and judgement.
Its the place where a few years ago I sat in the middle of the arena field area, trying to participate in a service by ‘Grace’ and which was communion. I was alone, and sat with a group of random people I had just joined, and whom took me ‘in’ so to speak, because every time I attempted to say something within the hour, I just cried. Those peoples patience was unending. They took me as I was. Which sums up Greenbelt for me. Its takes me as I am. (incidentally it was during that service, that I still have a rainbow coloured windmill from as a reminder – that I felt for the first time in a long time life might be worth living – gb that year fell just four months after my OD, so life was still very raw at that point)
Its the place where I have turned up broken, so totally, yet have found some peace. Its also the place, where I have turned up in a different moment and been able to contribute something to it (i hope!).
Its the place, where friends from everywhere descend. Its the place where friends who are so close and know me inside out are, and the place where those friends are ‘there’. Its the place where I know people are at, and if i just rang one of the handful of folk this apply to, they would be there, whatever time of day it is. Its a place where people I love are at.
i could go on and on … about what greenbelt is … and actually what it is above, is personal to me.
greenbelt is many other things, its talks, its music, its about peace, justice, issues. its about faith. its about people.
if you have never been, dont know what i am rambling on about check out www.greenbelt.org.uk
sorry if the above is a ramble, my next blog will be about some of my highlights.
nightime words
July 25, 2010
This poem is hot off the press, having only just being written. Am testing mobile wordpress so do let me know if this works if you see it before I get to a computer.
Nightime words
In the middle of the night
All is still, silence all around
The skies are black, stars shining
An owl hoots, no cares in the world.
On the bed she lays,
Staring out of the window,
Thinking how life is passing her by,
Daring to dream of change.
The heart cry of her world,
Longs to love and be loved,
Waiting quietly in the shadows
Of all that is good around her.
A song in the background,
Melodies, sweet harmonies,
Over and over, gentle words,
Soothing the soul, healing the hurt.
A mind so broken and fragmented,
Slowly being put back to pieces,
Longing for the day to arrive,
Where beauty shines through.
copyright fragmentz
Celibacy – A Response
July 24, 2010
A little while ago, I suggested on Twitter that people gave me some topics to blog about. I got two. And I have yet to blog about either of them. How slack am I? So, the first was ‘chips and brown gravy and why I like it’. Unfortunately that blog is going to be rather hard to do, because I even though, to some people I am considered a ‘northerner’, not all of us like our chips with gravy! Cheese or curry sauce is a good combination though So, thanks for the suggestion, but I feel my blog duty on that topic is done now due to having a lack of anything to say about it.
The second suggestion was ‘Celibacy’. To which I went ‘whoah’, go in for the deep there then! So, as a response to that, I challenged the person who suggested it to ‘guest blog’ his views on the topic. Which he duly did, and which you can find by the clicking the link below if you have not read if or wish to refresh on what he wrote.
She Said No – by Tschaka – A Guest Blog
Now, having never invited someone to ‘guest blog’ for me before, I have learned one or two things. One of those things is that if its on a specific topic that I also want to write about, then it may be preferable for me to post first, so the guest blogger has an opportunity to respond. Also, I dont want it to feel/look like that I have invited someone to blog, and the by posting my owns view may be contradicting or arguing what they have said. That is never the intention. So, in future I shall either blog first or invite people to guest blog ‘stand alone’ topics.
Anyhow, as promised here are some of my thoughts.
The wikipedia definition of the word ‘Celibacy’ is this - Celibacy is defined as the lifestyle of someone who is voluntarily abstaining from all sexual activities (also known as “abstinence”), possibly remaining unmarried all his/her life.
I have conversations in the past with people, where the meaning of celibacy means different things. To me, in my mind, the meaning of it is as above. Its a lifestyle practice/choice that people make, for whatever reasons they choose. For some, or for the people I know who have gone down this choice, the reasons have been faith based. Their faith in Christianity is such that they believe they have been ‘called’ to live a life of celibacy, which means no sex, no marriage, no children. They feel called and choose to live a single life. Many people make a life long commitment to this. Some people set a period, for example 10 years. Maybe some people are intentionally ‘celibate’ for one or two years, to ‘test the water; so to speak. To see if its a calling God has on their life forever.
What I don’t believe celibacy is however, is being unable to find a partner. Or being ‘single’ and/or then ‘without sex’ for a while, however long that while is. It surely isn’t a choice if you haven’t made the choice is it?!
Whilst I have no problem with Tschaka in his post, where he writes about some of the people he knows being celibate because they want to be totally devoted to God, I would like to suggest you can be devoted to God without having to make such a huge step/commitment?
Its fair to point out right now, I am writing this, as I think its fair to say Tschaka did coming from a faith based perspective. If you read the page on wikipedia about ‘celibacy’ it lists lots of other reasons as to why people may ‘choose’ to be celibate. I guess I am interested in ‘Christians’ and celibacy.
I have spoken to one or two people in the past, over the years on this topic, and their experiences. I in fact myself did ’2′ years of intentional ‘celibacy’ living. I then decided it was not what God wanted for me, as my motivations behind it were less to do with it being Gods desire for me, as opposed to my inability to deal with ‘relationships’. For me, personally, it was a way of ‘copping out’ for a bit, hence it not being the right thing for me to do.
Tschaka expresses reasons in his post as to why some of his friends are celibate. They talk about living a full on life of sacrifice and not choosing to live by the worlds standards, BUT surely that can happen whether your married or not? Surely, you can honour God, not follow trends, and be totally committed to God AND be married or in a relationship?
All this kind of, in my head anyway, leads on the topic of S.E.X. Gasp. Not something everyone likes to mention/talk about/read on I guess. But, I am not shy
Part of being celibate is not having sex. Right. But why would God NOT want someone to have sex?
Isnt sex a natural, normal part of a relationship? Yes, it is also a procreation thing. To have children you need to have sex (although these days I guess there are more ways of going about it if you so choose).
I sometimes struggle to convince people that I do believe in the sanctity of sex, and personally I believe, for me, now anyway, it is something that should happen mutually within the confines of a marriage, however, if a couple have been together, say 20 years, are not married but totally committed to each, and dare I say God too, what actual harm is it for them to have sex? Is it offensive to God? or do we think /make more complicated what God is offended by?
I’d like to suggest that are more important issues to consider than whether people are having sex or not? I, in no means however think ‘casual’ sex is a particularly good idea, mostly due to health reasons.
Anyway, I am going to end this blog on that note, for the time being, and will come back to write some more thoughts on the topic at some point.
another place
July 20, 2010
This photo was taken in Feb 08 at the Crosby beach where the ‘Another Place’ exhibition is by Anthony Gormley.
I was staying with some people who over the last couple of years have been amazing friends to me. I went to visit them whilst going through a really tough time, and one day we went for a walk down the beach, and I took some photos.
I took a fair few that day, one being a special one which is framed and on a wall in a house somewhere, now belonging to those very special people, and below is a different one which I like.
© fragmentz
