fixed grin syndrome
May 21, 2010
Something that really frustrates me is what I am going to call ‘the Christian fixed grin syndrome’
Today I entered into a conversation with some new people I wondered across on Twitter. It seems that as soon as my humble opinion appeared to differ from theirs they were no longer interested in talking with me. I disputed the fact that they seemed to be saying that God makes us go through all manner of bad things in order to come out good at the end of it. To me, that very view portrays a very sadistic vision of ‘God’ and it has taken me years and years to move AWAY from that concept!
I find this a shame.
(I fully accept that God can if He chooses make good out of bad, but that He does not orchestrate the bad in order for that to happen : as to why He allows it to happen, still not overly sure that the reply ‘so good can come out’ is the best answer – not that I have any better one, but is it better to just be honest and say ‘i dont know’ when we dont know?)
It got me thinking about life. Real life. Reality, the highs and the lows. Especially after someone asked me to see if I could start writing ‘happier’ blogs.
Things is, for me, when I write, I very rarely set out with a definite plan. I write what I am thinking at that moment. What is on my mind, or in my heart to put on paper/type, be it blog posts, poems, or just posting a photo.
I am always very honoured that people follow this blog, read what i have to say about things, and also respond and stay in touch. I really don’t take it for granted, but I would like people to realise that this blog is ‘me’. My writing space. And the place I can put into writing some of my feelings. Without getting too mushy, what you see is what you get. I cant write ‘happy’ because someone has asked me too. my head just does not work that way.
Just like my head does not understand the fixed grin syndrome. I do not understand why people seem so oblivious to life and what surrounds them. I kinda get the concept that people like to Praise God/Worship in all circumstance. That is not really what I am disputing.
I am disputing the problem some people seem to have with other people simply not being able to smile, and this then in turn leading to judgment on their ‘Christian – ness’ or lack of it.
In my very own humble opinion, I am no less of a person or believer because I simply cannot raise a smile or laugh about serious situations than the person who can. In fact, the person who can laugh and smile in situations that can be so dire it is heartbreaking is off their head. Ignoring the reality of life.
Thing is, life isnt pretty is it.
An American friend recently got in touch with me regarding my previous post, the poem called ‘a poem’. I was very touched that he did (so thanks) but also it got me thinking. Thinking about how who i am , and where i have been, and what i have done is reflected in my writing. thats why some of it is not very happy writing/reading. because they were not very happy times, and sometimes still are not.
So why should I smile about them?
Just because i dont smile, does not mean I do not have a relationship with God.
But isnt it false to walk about with a grin glued to our face, when inside our hearts are breaking and being torn out?
Where does it get anyone? And is it really what God wants?
Or does God want us to just be before Him and other people and live our lives as we are? With a real honesty, whether that is sometimes brutal and hard to take for other people or not?
(And thank you to all you lovely peoples who take me as I am, there are lots of you, and its so appreciated, the above thoughts are just those, and not at all reflecting where I am at, because I personally am quite at home with being brutally honest now a days)
a poem
May 7, 2010
a poem
scum, slapper, slag, whore
words being shouted more and more,
stones are picked up and thrown in her face,
because all society thinks is what a disgrace.
so, slowly, heading home, she takes a walk,
longing for one person who will talk,
maybe say a nice word, or give a smile,
hoping one day to feel that her life is worthwhile.
the needle goes in, no feeling of pain,
as the liquid runs through a vein
silently moving, right up to the eye,
where to sleep she falls, without even a cry.
the nightmares, all the time they come and go,
sometimes thick and fast, but often long and slow,
the morning sun rises, and its back to the streets,
to earn some money from people she meets.
Stood on a corner, a life totally wrecked,
hoping and praying that she can regain some respect.
looking upwards, a tired mind, searching for peace,
longing that all the suffering and aching will cease.
cherished, precious, loved and valuable
the stranger collecting the tears by the bottle full
speaking meaningful words that soak into her soul,
so that someday, once again she can become whole.
© fragmentz
some thoughts on self harm and the church – Part 1
April 7, 2010
Some thoughts on self-harm and the church
Part one.
Something I have wanted to write about for quite a long time is self-harm.
Maybe about a year ago, an online community, which I have been involved with for quite a long time, started a discussion on the topic, which I suggested.
It was this … a) what is church’s response to self-harm … and b) what should the church response to self-harm be
Following those topic starters, there was a little conversation, which dried out after a few days, but it is one that does not go away for long, for me. Even if I don’t think about it for a little while, somehow, somewhere along the line it will come back.
I was going to write something on this a long time ago, and had lots of really interesting conversations with people about it… so thank you to those people who openly talked to me. I would like to point out I don’t have any answers, just thoughts.
Christianity is a faith, where on the whole people believe in Jesus. Christianity believes that Jesus has created all things, that Jesus is in control, and that He is Love.
But still, I have heard it said many times, by many people that they see mental health illness/issues as destroyers/wounding and something where hate filled thoughts can reign.
Those are two huge contrasts … God goes hand in hand with Love, and often mental health illness (including self harm) go hand in hand with Hate.
What happens when that Love and Hate collide?
(Thanks to Ali for discussing this topic with me too, and helping me form this post)
Personally, as someone who is both a Christian and a self-harmer, when that Love and hate collide it equals grey, not always a helpful colour to have.
I sit here, typing about this topic, not as an academic, in fact I am anything but, but as someone who has already got the life tattoo scars forever.
I sit here typing about this topic, without any degree, which says I should/could, or can but just as someone who has experienced the practice of self-inflicting bloodshed on my body.
I am worried/concerned/interested in this topic and how it relates to Christians and the church. I probably have more questions that I do anything.
I want to know how churches deal with mental health illness generally, but also the things that probably come under its umbrella but are an issue its own right.
Thing is, unless I am not being very generous, my opinion is that ‘the church’ don’t do a very good job of supporting people who self harm. Please feel free to correct me if I am wrong. Not sure that they are very good at responding, maybe that’s because they don’t know how to, maybe it is because they don’t want to.
(At this point I would like to point out there are some organizations that do some great work: and I will high light a couple of those in part 2)
Maybe it is pure ignorance, of the topic, the issues and what to do … maybe it is just that some people think that if they turn a blind eye and ignore it, then it will go away.
The news is: it wont.
I believe, firmly, that ‘the church’ has a responsibility to not brush this topic and many others that come in with the mental health illness thing, under the carpet. A responsibility to actively not ignore it.
The church has to open its eyes to the reality. The church needs to accept that with some things quick fixes are not ‘it’. They need to recognize and understand that ‘praying for someone’ is not going to simply make it disappear.
Is not one of the roles of the church to be a welcoming safe haven? Somewhere people can go … a place where there are people to turn to. A place to be secure, and safe in whatever reality is life for them at that time?
Too often people are turned away, or made to feel as if they have no place in a community such as a church. That is simply not good enough or fair.
The church should be a place where people are loved, welcomed, supported and accepted, not judged or condemned: which sadly is often the case.
Personally, it is my view that self-harm is a very misunderstood topic, and one that is very misunderstood within the church, that’s if some churches even know what it is.
Maybe it is time for the church to rise up, and challenge itself. To get itself more in the know, because in this day and age, especially with such methods of communication and ways to learn about things, ignorance and ‘just not knowing it exists/about it’ is not acceptable.
But maybe, somewhere in all this, there is a challenge for people like me too.
Because I sit here, knowing that churches need a better awareness, educating, to learn, to know, and I am fully aware it isn’t the easiest of things.
Maybe I could be as bold as to suggest that if there are people who have the ability/heart to raise this issue, and to see change come about within our Christian communities, and in how it supports and deals with people who self harm. Maybe there has to be a responsibility somewhere among people who do know about it? I am not suggesting that those who cant should, but maybe there are people out there now, right now, who have a voice, and are able to use it, express, talk openly, honestly, and by doing so in turn are then educating others … maybe there needs to be people who have a voice out loud on this issue, on behalf of people who don’t.
I am interested in letting people know self harm or not, we’re still loved, and accepted and I am interested in letting people know, in the church, the non self harmers that we are also loved and accepted.
I would like the taboo topic to be non-taboo. I have no idea how it’ll happen but I think that it should and that it is important.
While writing this, I asked on twitter, the questions, mentioned above. Many responses came. Below are three.
@revdal what should the church’s response be … ? coz I am not sure we’ve got one apart from ‘how we can help’?
@tschakaroussel : love, Jesus, love, friendship, love, gospel, love, acceptance, love, holy spirit, love
@bourach I think the church response should be love. I don’t think it should be to collude but love, acceptance and humility go well.
Thank you for those replies folks.
I’d be really interested in other peoples ideas/thoughts, so please feel free to respond. I have not written this to be controversial, so whether you agree with me or not please get in touch… and I have some more thoughts I’ll write up soon.
© fragmentz
The Whisper.
March 21, 2010
The Whisper.
Foundation, false lashes and make up covering the bruised eye,
A weary body, waking up every day with a sigh,
Stories to tell, from behind those closed doors,
Of a life so unfulfilled and full of wars.
The days go by, turning into weeks, months and then years …
A body crying out for help, a loud plea, which no one hears with
Pills in one hand, alcohol in the other, it feels like there is no way out
But all of a sudden her mind is consumed with a whisper of doubt.
Looking upwards, reaching out her arms and lifting up her head,
Slowly, standing on her feet, she walks away from where she bled.
With her one small bag packed and a coat over her shoulder
On she walks, and walks until the day comes when she is older.
As the years pass by, the scars never go, but begin to get lighter
She sits down, and watches life go by, and the sun getting brighter
And as she confronts all of the things in her life she fears
In the stillness the previous whisper of ‘I love you’ is all she hears.
Nobodies.
February 11, 2010
Nobodies.
Those city lights, shine so brightly
A sign of life, hustle and bustle.
Smiles being smiled,
Laughs being laughed.
Shopping to be done, chat to be had.
My Lord God – Thomas Merton Prayer
January 25, 2010
MY LORD GOD,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that
I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
Amen
- Thomas Merton, “Thoughts in Solitude
emotions/feelings
January 14, 2010
all these words and feelings, and emotions i wrote down once, to describe how i was feeling. at one time. can be a challenge sometimes when you feel so much, so many things, all at once.
(if your looking for ‘listening to God Part 1 and 2 , they are below this)
(image created using www.wordle.net)
when was the last …? – Part 2
January 14, 2010
a few months back, i was asked to be involved in some creative ideas and helping to set up a 24/7 prayer event at the church I am connected with . So I did, and I also spent 12 hours over night in the church sanctuary with my housemate as the main people ‘manning’ for safety etc … also to be able to pray if and when people didn’t come in to cover the hours. I had signed myself up for a two hour slot anyway. Thing is, I am not entirely sure how and sometimes often wonder why I manage to get myself involved in situations like this, because my prayer life is hardly adequate. In fact it would be fair to say sometimes I am not even on speaking terms with God. Its something I hope to/want to develop throughout 2010.
any how, at three am, i took up a space on the main area floor, with my pen and paper, ipod, and asked God to tell me what to write. Never done it before. Never sat and so willingly wrote what it was i felt i was hearing god saying.
this is not a normal occurrence for me, and not normally the sort of thing i write, however, i wanted to share it with you.
below is what was written, on to pieces of paper, in black pen which i then decorated with little red love hearts.
When was the last time someone said to you ‘I love You?’
Stop ….
Listen …
Hear the voice
Maybe it’s the smallest, faintest sound.
Maybe it’s a whisper, blowing in the wind,
Maybe it’s a loud bang, so loud it hurts your ears,
Or maybe, just maybe it surrounds you in the every day noise.
Have You ever stopped to listen? … to hear …?
Try it now …
What do you hear? What do you want to hear?
Don’t be scared, or afraid.
Listen to Him say ‘I love YOU’
Surround yourself in the whisper, the wind, the loud bang, the everyday noise. Listen to Him saying ‘I LOVE YOU’
YOU are LOVED
YOU are PRECIOUS
YOU are VALUABLE
YOU are FORGIVEN
YOU ARE HIS CHILD!
Whoever you are, wherever life has taken you, whatever you’ve done …
Just stop, and listen …
Listen to Him saying
‘ I LOVE YOU’!
when was the last ….? – Part 1
January 14, 2010
Stop … just for a minute …
When did you last say ‘I love you’ to someone?
Anyone ? … a friend? Your family? Jesus?
When did you last say ‘I love You to Jesus’
When did you last speak to Him?
When you last pour out your soul to Him?
When did you last tell Him whats on your mind?
Why not try it now …
He loves You! He is waiting …
He is waiting to hear from you … He wants you to talk to Him … He wants you to pour out your heart to Him
He longs for the day when all is surrendered
He longs for you to stand before Him, in prayer, in worship. He longs for you to come to Him.
He is stood with His arms open wide, waiting to embrace you … To surround you with Love, Grace and Mercy. He wants to shower you with blessings after blessings.
Stop … Praise Him, Worship Him, tell Him how much You Love Him!
two life changing moments
January 11, 2010
It would be fair to say my life would appear to have many life changing moments in it. Many dramas, many ups and many lows. 2007 was crap, and 2008 was a battle of survival, quite literally, and it was with much support, and love from people with whom I have the deepest gratitude towards that I made it through. I dont think I knew quite what to expect out of 2009. I knew it was going to be very very different from 08. For a start I was approaching the year with a fresh view, a fresh outlook, a desire to live a life, fully as possible. A desire to try , as hard as it would be, to look forwards, to plan, to learn to laugh again, to learn to smile again. a desire to keep taking steps forwards in what seems like the epic climb up the mountain that is rebuilding my life. I was not quite prepared for 2009 to bring the two main events that it did do.
The first being in January, at the very beginning of which I received an email from someone saying they would be in the country for a week or two at the end of the month. The mixture of feeling and emotions from that one email were intense, a huge roller coaster. Should I go meet them? Should I make an effort? what might happen? its been years. Will they know me? Will I know them? so many questions, so much anticipation, and so much fear at the same time. But in the back of my head, the little voice was saying … but if you dont now, then when will you? I am immensely grateful and always shall be, to the very small handful of people who saw me through the process of decision making, umming and ahhing. I had people there with the hugs, the smokes, the drinks, the tea, the support, words that needed to be said. and so eventually, at the end of january 09, i headed into the city to meet my father, for the very first time in very many years. I think it may have been the most single hardest thing, in this whole journey to do. I cant quite go into the detail in this one blog about why it was so monumental, and so trust you just believe me for now, that it was life changing. Nothing, absolutely nothing seems to have been the same since.
The 2nd most life changing event has been in the last half of the year. My phone rang very early in the morning, to say my Gran, an amazing woman for 94 years old, had been taken into hospital. This was the beginning of very many phone calls, very many hospital visits, very many vigils and very many ups and downs. After a few weeks, with her having been discharged and being back in the very small and amazing nursing home facility, we again got the call. She was back in hospital. And it would be for the last time, because over the course of that weekend it was to transpire that she was so very ill, that if she didnt have treatment, she would die. And if she did have treatment there was no guarentee she would survive anyway. The most single bravest woman i have to meet. She declined all treatment, and decided that at 94 she had lived life well and perhaps it was time to go. One of the scenes that will haunt me in all this, was my mother and I being by her bedside in the A and E department with a lovely consultant trying to persuade her, but with her adament, he shook his head and said there was nothing he could do. Seeing the tears my mother was crying was heart wrenching.
So, then started the vigil. She declined rapidly, then picked up. Many nights spent at the hospital, and then the nursing home she was eventually transferred back to. 6 weeks later, 3rd of May, after a week of many over night visits, stays, and expecting the worse, we got the phone call. saying we needed to be there. My mother drove into town to collect me, and we trundled off to the home.
Arriving four minutes too late. She had gone. My beautiful, beautiful Gran had gone home. It is very hard and emotional to try and explain the hole that has left. And months and months later, it still feels as though it hasnt closed. I dont think it ever will actually. in my world of chaos, brokenness and general havoc, the one constant were my grandparents. the safe people we used to, as children spend the weekend with while my mum was working (she was left with the task of bringing up two children alone – and was hugely supported by her parents, my grands). The fun we had was immeasurable, my brother going out every weekend with my grandad, and me staying behind to cook, read, go walking and do ‘girly’ things with Gran. When Grandad went home 5/6 years ago now, it left my brother heartbroken. He was like our father figure. The one we didnt have as young children. He was the gentle, kind, loving, doting grandfather … the father children SHOULD have.
For me, the whole was huge, yes, and to this day I miss him. But My Gran, well of course she was special to my brother, but to me? She was my world. I sat and watched her declined over weeks, I nursed her, even when there were nurses to do it, I made sure i was beside. I spent the night holding her hands, and cradling her head whilst she was in so much pain. I was there when I said ‘I love YOU Gran’ and she replied ‘I love you to H’.
my grandparents marriage only parted when he passed away, and after 67 years, i think they did pretty damned well, and firmly believe now they are reunited and up there somewhere partying together like days of old. however it leaves me on the ground, to try and take something away from events that are so life changing.
(my Grans hand is the one on the right – photo taken by © Shine Photographics and Media)
