fragmentz

Those of you who used to follow my old blog space will know that the last time I wrote about Greenbelt, I was unable to get it all into words in one post, without it being a mega essay, so did a series of GB blogs. I think this year will be similar. I am struggling to sit and write about ‘Greenbelt’ in one go, so shall be doing it in parts again.

this post, however I think is the introduction. For those who dont know what Greenbelt is or does, or means to be, it kinda mentions that. Then i’ll crack on with this years highlights

Greenbelt is, for me, a really special time of year, as I know and am sure it is for many other people too. Its kind of like the end of one year, and the beginning of another. Its my new year. Forget beginning of Jan, for me the time to take stock, to reflect, to think, look back, try to look forwards, move on and lots of other stuff is August Bank Holiday. Its at a racecourse turned into a festival site. Its a place, that when set up, a friend of mine once called ‘Gods Playground’.

Greenbelt is so many things for me. Its the place I first started to explore life as a ‘survivor’ … its the place where I was able to join a group of other people who all got together to support each other throughout the weekend, and its the place where I found some safety in a world that felt unsafe. Its the place where I first cried my eyes out until they ran dry, with someone sat beside me offering me tissues and a lighter for the ever many ciggies i kept lighting. Its the place I felt accepted, without condemnation and judgement.

Its the place where a few years ago I sat in the middle of the arena field area, trying to participate in a service by ‘Grace’ and which was communion. I was alone, and sat with a group of random people I had just joined, and whom took me ‘in’ so to speak, because every time I attempted to say something within the hour, I just cried. Those peoples patience was unending. They took me as I was. Which sums up Greenbelt for me. Its takes me as I am. (incidentally it was during that service, that I still have a rainbow coloured windmill from as a reminder – that I felt for the first time in a long time life might be worth living – gb that year fell just four months after my OD, so life was still very raw at that point)

Its the place where I have turned up broken, so totally, yet have found some peace. Its also the place, where I have turned up in a different moment and been able to contribute something to it (i hope!).

Its the place, where friends from everywhere descend. Its the place where friends who are so close and know me inside out are, and the place where those friends are ‘there’. Its the place where I know people are at, and if i just rang one of the handful of folk this apply to, they would be there, whatever time of day it is. Its a place where people I love are at.

i could go on and on … about what greenbelt is … and actually what it is above, is personal to me.

greenbelt is many other things, its talks, its music, its about peace, justice, issues. its about faith. its about people.

if you have never been, dont know what i am rambling on about check out www.greenbelt.org.uk

sorry if the above is a ramble, my next blog will be about some of my highlights.

A little while ago, I suggested on Twitter that people gave me some topics to blog about. I got two. And I have yet to blog about either of them. How slack am I? So, the first was ‘chips and brown gravy and why I like it’. Unfortunately that blog is going to be rather hard to do, because I even though, to some people I am considered a ‘northerner’, not all of us like our chips with gravy! Cheese or curry sauce is a good combination though So, thanks for the suggestion, but I feel my blog duty on that topic is done now due to having a lack of anything to say about it.

The second suggestion was ‘Celibacy’. To which I went ‘whoah’, go in for the deep there then! So, as a response to that, I challenged the person who suggested it to ‘guest blog’ his views on the topic. Which he duly did, and which you can find by the clicking the link below if you have not read if or wish to refresh on what he wrote.

She Said No – by Tschaka – A Guest Blog

Now, having never invited someone to ‘guest blog’ for me before, I have learned one or two things. One of those things is that if its on a specific topic that I also want to write about, then it may be preferable for me to post first, so the guest blogger has an opportunity to respond. Also, I dont want it to feel/look like that I have invited someone to blog, and the by posting my owns view may be contradicting or arguing what they have said. That is never the intention. So, in future I shall either blog first or invite people to guest blog ‘stand alone’ topics.

Anyhow, as promised here are some of my thoughts.

The wikipedia definition of the word ‘Celibacy’ is this - Celibacy is defined as the lifestyle of someone who is voluntarily abstaining from all sexual activities (also known as “abstinence”), possibly remaining unmarried all his/her life.

I have conversations in the past with people, where the meaning of celibacy means different things. To me, in my mind, the meaning of it is as above. Its a lifestyle practice/choice that people make, for whatever reasons they choose. For some, or for the people I know who have gone down this choice, the reasons have been faith based. Their faith in Christianity is such that they believe they have been ‘called’ to live a life of celibacy, which means no sex, no marriage, no children. They feel called and choose to live a single life. Many people make a life long commitment to this. Some people set a period, for example 10 years. Maybe some people are intentionally ‘celibate’ for one or two years, to ‘test the water; so to speak. To see if its a calling God has on their life forever.

What I don’t believe celibacy is however, is being unable to find a partner. Or being ‘single’ and/or then ‘without sex’ for a while, however long that while is. It surely isn’t a choice if you haven’t made the choice is it?!

Whilst I have no problem with Tschaka in his post, where he writes about some of the people he knows being celibate because they want to be totally devoted to God, I would like to suggest you can be devoted to God without having to make such a huge step/commitment?

Its fair to point out right now, I am writing this, as I think its fair to say Tschaka did coming from a faith based perspective. If you read the page on wikipedia about ‘celibacy’ it lists lots of other reasons as to why people may ‘choose’ to be celibate. I guess I am interested in ‘Christians’ and celibacy.

I have spoken to one or two people in the past, over the years on this topic, and their experiences. I in fact myself did ’2′ years of intentional ‘celibacy’ living. I then decided it was not what God wanted for me, as my motivations behind it were less to do with it being Gods desire for me, as opposed to my inability to deal with ‘relationships’.  For me, personally, it was a way of ‘copping out’ for a bit, hence it not being the right thing for me to do.

Tschaka expresses reasons in his post as to why some of his friends are celibate. They talk about living a full on life of sacrifice and not choosing to live by the worlds standards, BUT surely that can happen whether your married or not? Surely, you can honour God, not follow trends, and be totally committed to God AND be married or in a relationship?

All this kind of, in my head anyway, leads on the topic of S.E.X. Gasp. Not something everyone likes to mention/talk about/read on I guess. But, I am not shy

Part of being celibate is not having sex. Right. But why would God NOT want someone to have sex?

Isnt sex a natural, normal part of a relationship? Yes, it is also a procreation thing. To have children you need to have sex (although these days I guess there are more ways of going about it if you so choose).

I sometimes struggle to convince people that I do believe in the sanctity of sex, and personally I believe, for me, now anyway, it is something that should happen mutually within the confines of a marriage, however, if a couple have been together, say 20 years, are not married but totally committed to each, and dare I say God too, what actual harm is it for them to have sex? Is it offensive to God? or do we think /make more complicated what God is offended by?

I’d like to suggest that are more important issues to consider than whether people are having sex or not? I, in no means however think ‘casual’ sex is a particularly good idea, mostly due to health reasons.

Anyway, I am going to end this blog on that note, for the time being, and will come back to write some more thoughts on the topic at some point.

came across the lyrics of a song, by amy grant earlier – made me think alot.

better than a hallelujah – lyrics by amy grant

God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves the drunkards cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.

The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what’s been done,
The silence when the words won’t come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out, singing out.

She Said No is a guest blog, written by  a friend for many years. The other day I challenged my twitter friends to give a blog topic, that I could write about, and I got two suggestions back. One being Celibacy (the second one being ‘why I like brown gravy and chips – which I will blog about soon!) .

When I read the topic, I was like, whoah, so in true Fragz style, I texted my friend, and asked if he’d consider guest blogging for me. He has taken me up on the challenge. So please find below Tschakas response to my challenge. I myself will write on this topic in the next few days too.

( Tschaka’s own blog can be found here)

She Said No – by Tschaka

I was challenged to write this ok?
So I’m making it up as I go along.

And it’s my fault. Afriend asked me what she should blog about and I tried to think of the most challenging thing possible.

So I said, ‘write about celibacy’. And she said, ‘only if you do too!’

It should be easy for me. I mean I live with several people who have decided that they are never going to marry. Why? Because they love God so much they want to live entirely for him (together with their friends).

But that sentence is enough to send most minds spinning. Mine too sometimes…

And yet I’ve seen it in action and it works, not always, but mostly; and it’s a beautiful thing…

It’s great to be around single people who just want to live life to the full, but not in a way that serves their own interests, but others’. There’s a family who live in the house too and they bring lots of life – in fact the simple humour and pleasure of sharing their lives is truly humbling – but it’s different. Being with celibates is inspiring, not because they are individually anything amazing (though they are) but because their direction in life causes you to look upwards to greater things. To things like living for God.

And there’s an even edgier reality to all this. I spoke to a man yesterday who knows a family with 13 children – 13! There’s no selfishness in that kind of life is there? Plenty of joy I imagine, but not much spare cash or time. They didn’t do it because they wanted to live-the-good-life. They made a strong choice not to live according to the common assumptions about how to be happy but in a way that fully celebrates life and yet is counter cultural.

In its own way, but in the other direction, celibacy is a full-on way of life too. Indeed it goes further in not choosing the world’s standards but a different way. I have friends, male and female who’ve said no to marriage for an adventure full of sacrifice and experience. A life filled with the choice to give yourself to other people and to God. In effect they’ve said no to the love of one friend above all others in exchange for a yes to the freedom to love as many friends as possible as much as possible. Famous Christian celibates like John Stott, Mike Pillavachi and Jackie Pullinger have always done that.

And I’m grateful that people like this, counter cultural people, married and celibate people, have always blessed me as I learn to follow Jesus, who is the ultimate in counter culture – because, of course, he wasn’t married either was he?

© Tschaka

i found something a long time ago , on you tube, which i found by chance again tonight. i showed it to a friend, because it is quite a moving thing. basically people write their testimony in basic words, on cardboard. One side of the card board are big lettered words describing something, and then they turn it over to reveal the other side. these are their stories/testimonies.

my friend and i got talking about our own cardboard testimonies, and so i thought, i would share mine with you (obviously just written, and not on cardboard).

worthless, abused, ashamed, depressed, broken and wanting to die

learning to live again

I was reading the blog of a new friend on twitter last night, and found this poem. I find it beautiful so thought i’d share.

I want by Adrian Plass

I want to be touched by affectionate eyes

I want to be welcomed when welcome is rare

I want to be held when my confidence sighs

I want to find comfort in genuine care.

Read the rest of this entry »

a poem

scum, slapper, slag, whore
words being shouted more and more,
stones are picked up and thrown in her face,
because all society thinks is what a disgrace.

so, slowly, heading home, she takes a walk,
longing for one person who will talk,
maybe say a nice word, or give a smile,
hoping one day to feel that her life is worthwhile.

the needle goes in, no feeling of pain,
as the liquid runs through a vein
silently moving, right up to the eye,
where to sleep she falls, without even a cry.

the nightmares, all the time they come and go,
sometimes thick and fast, but often long and slow,
the morning sun rises, and its back to the streets,
to earn some money from people she meets.

Stood on a corner, a life totally wrecked,
hoping and praying that she can regain some respect.
looking upwards, a tired mind, searching for peace,
longing that all the suffering and aching will cease.

cherished, precious, loved and valuable
the stranger collecting the tears by the bottle full
speaking meaningful words that soak into her soul,
so that someday, once again she can become whole.

© fragmentz

Nobodies.

Those city lights, shine so brightly

A sign of life, hustle and bustle.

Smiles being smiled,

Laughs being laughed.

Shopping to be done, chat to be had.

Read the rest of this entry »