The Tears Fall.
May 15, 2012
The tears fall,
Behind closed curtains,
no one would know,
the truth, as
the tears fall.
The tears fall,
mourning lost love,
her heart is torn in two,
life broken, as
the tears fall.
The tears fall,
the night goes by,
time passes,
a forgotten person, as
the tears fall.
The tears fall,
her soul yearning,
for nearness, once again,
something, anything as
the tears fall.
The tears fall,
as early sunrise light
floods into the darkness
and another day arrives, as
the tears fall.
© Fragmentz
Childhood memories, God and I.
May 6, 2012
Spent some time last night reading my old blogs, something I do occasionally. And I also read an old journal, that I kept, mostly in 2008, and around the months when I was at the bottom of the bottom. Below is an entry I found and read. I spent a long time chatting to my beautiful Godfather on the phone yesterday, and he is only one of two people I know in my life now, who knew/knows my biological father. Its always thought provoking to discuss my biological father. Below is an entry I wrote, in 2008 about an incident when I was young. In fact, one of the tamer times really. My father was an abusive bully, who ultimately broke the lives of the people around him, and the lives of his children. Sadly my brother was to then take on the traits of him, as he grew up, and only knew how to deal with the pain with anger himself. That left me being being in the position of being abused by father, many different times, and in very many different ways, but then as I grew up, also by my brother.
Life really is like a box of chocolates isn’t it? You never know what your going to get, or be given.
Most of the time we were at house ‘on holiday’. I dont really remember exactly how old we were but one week we spent most of the time in the garage with the babysitter, playing games. Or my stepmm would look after us. I think I was perhaps 10 years old and remember missing my mum so much. We were the other side of the country from her. I would cry. At some point I must have done this in front of my step mum, for her to simply say ‘wait until your Dad gets homes’.
When he got home, I was hiding upstairs. I dont know where my brother was. I remember him shouting my name whilst he sat on the the double bed in the spare room. He has taken off his belt and shoes, and I knew I had to go and endure the beating. It was better to go, and get it over with then endure ‘the chase’ so to speak, because then it would only have been worse.
Apparently I had upset my stepmum and disrespected her by missing my real mum. While being beaten reasonably black and blue with his belt and steel capped military shoes he kept telling me to never dare to cry again.
Maybe thats why over the years, crying became such a problem. I never dared to cry in front of them again, and in fact for many years never dared to cry again in front of anyone. In fact I never really cried at all full stop.
That same week my brother and I went skating around the base my father lived on. At the top of this huge hill were the armed guarded gates, and we’d always go to the top to say hello to the soldiers and show off our passes that said we were allowed to be on the site. Maybe we broke the boredom in their day, I hope so, but I know we enjoyed those moments. We would then skate down the hill as fast as we possibly could. Being a child at the time, the hill felt huge (it probably wasnt that good) and it was great fun.
Except for this one time, when I fell. Just by accident, it was no ones fault. Least of all my brothers. But he got the blame. He was made to sit on a chair, when we got back home, in the middle of garden whilst my father towered over him, shouting and berating him. This huge man standing over a very young, skinny, pale faced and scared child. I remember watching what happened, and yelling at the window, even banging at it. But I had been locked inside the house. What could I do? I dont know, but I should have done something.
I had dinner with my mum tonight, and during the conversation I asked her if my Dad had ever hit her. She said no. So I asked her why she thought he did us. Her reply was ‘because you couldn’t hit back’.
I believe my father did what he did to us, because exactly as my mum said, we couldnt fight back. Whatever he did to us, whatever type of abuse he endured on us, he was always the stronger person.
But I am an adult now too. And I can have the ability to be strong too. I loved a quote by Gibbs from NCIS the other night where someone said ‘I am not a victim’, he replied ‘No, your not, Your a survivor’.
And so through it all, I am starting to learn and believe that actually, despite his abuse, the bullying at school, the pain inflicted on my by my brother, the subsequents depression/selfharm and pain I inflicted on myself and then the assault in London which finally finished me off and led to what some would say a bit of a breakdown, that I am surviving. And I can survive.
One of the most important lessons over the last few years I have learned, with regards to faith and God, was given to me by someone who I love dearly, and whose family have accepted me, and love me as I am. Not long after trying to kill myself, I spent some time staying with them, and we sat in the garden one evening and their garden table, talking about the universe. I was so so angry with everything and everyone, and my view at that point of God was that he was a sadistic Nazi (I know I know, I was very angry at that time!) … and I was also frustrated and fed up with people/Christians who would say ‘well, you know God has intended all of this for good to come out of it’. Honestly? Well if you look at it that way, or think off it that way, then how can you not think God is cruel? He isnt this kind loving thing if he deliberately causes alsorts of unknown pain on someone just so good can eventually come out of it can he.
Anyway, Andrew told me this … God never intended the bad to happen. It was not His plan. In the world, or in people lives. But what He can do, and does so is somehow weave the chaos and the hurt, and eventually make something good out of it.
I was so profoundly affected by that, and its stayed with me for a long time, and been a huge part in bringing me back to a real sense of God in my life.
When I first started blogging, years and years ago, my very first blog was quite a faith blinded one. So full of life and a love for God – who was to know at that point my world would be turned upside down, and the very things then I knew i believe in would be broken. I for sure didnt.
But right now, it feels like I’m coming back full circle, but as a very different person. My faith is growing. Deepening. Through it all, even the times when I could barely utter a word to God, or when I did they were just screaming profanities, I never didnt believe in God.
So here I am. A survivor. A survivor who can now cry (a lot at times) but who is learning to live and love life, and God, again.
Mandela and Merton
April 29, 2012
Below is a quote that was read out yesterday at a day I attended which was about exploring our future vocations. I found it incredibly powerful. It was used by Nelson Mandela in a speech he made, his inauguaration I think. I dont know who actually wrote it – do let me know if you do.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
also read out was the Thomas Merton prayer I have blogged once before, but will post again, because even through my unbelieving times and my ‘angry at God’ years, I have had this prayer on my wall for years and years.
My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you and I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing.
And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road although I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death, I will not fear, for you are ever with me and you will never leave me to face my perils alone
a few thoughts on ‘church labels’ and ’18-30′s’
April 12, 2012
Help!
What am I? (apart from weird)
Am I a fundamentalist? Er, no for sure!
Liberal? Yeah most probably …
Evangelical? Whats one of them?
So most of you following my twitter feed/facebook and who read my last blog yesterday will probably have worked out that I am at a Christian Conference.
Spring Harvest to be precise … check out www.springharvest.org if you have never heard of it, or would like to know more, even better want to come in 2013.
Anyway, so yeah, here I am at Spring Harvest, again, after coming last year and being really surprised. Surprised at the week itself, and surprised at how challenged my own attitude was. And that’s not always easy to say is it? Not many people go round with a placard saying ‘I’ve got a bad attitude’. Neither did I, don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t mean particularly, I just wanted to come and have a fight. Try and annoy people. Be sceptical. And if anything was said or talked about that did not fit into ‘my view’ that obviously it was wrong. Somehow God really challenged my attitude of being intolerant of intolerance. It took a while to realise I was just as bad as those I disliked for being intolerant because I was intolerant towards them.
So here I am again. Spring Harvest 2012. I had planned on going to some stuff today, and trying to write something reasonably spiritual, intellectual and interesting as a blog, then I realised that isn’t me really is it. I’m not especially clever, and my knowledge of God and the bible is pretty lame compared to the amazing people I am surrounded by, and in total awe of.
I decided I needed a rest day today (I know I know, its only the second full day, but I’m knackered!) and it’s been brilliant. I had breakfast, another nap, a chat on the phone with some friends, and coffee. Time to think and more hot chocolate/drinks/time to think and write. ( I am going to have to buy some if not all the talks, as I think I have missed a few I would quite liked to have been to, plus apparently there was a really interesting lecture this afternoon that I missed on woman in leadership – another thing I really like about SH is its apparent commitment to equality in church leadership. The main preach in the morning is by Ness Wilson, a church a leader, and there are many awesome woman involved in running Spring Harvest, and doing the teaching/talks)
One of the things I have been thinking about is the huge array of people here this week. The huge array of people I have met so far. I don’t know if it is just me, or the friendliness of the people here, but I just seem to end up in conversation with people (don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining). There are a huge variety of folk who have all come away for a week, most of whom want to learn more about God and spend time with other Christians. And that’s great … really great.
But that has made me wonder how many denominations there are here? I have no idea. I don’t know if Spring Harvest would know either. So far in the short few days I have been here I have heard or met people from the Church of Scotland, Church of England, a Pentecostal church, Nondenominational, United Reformed and Baptist church.
I am sure there must be more too.
I don’t know if Spring Harvest is a particular denomination or not, I don’t think it is. But then I got thinking about the terms fundamental, evangelical, and liberal.
They get used a lot to describe people don’t they ?
I’ve often heard people say ‘oh I’m an evangelical Christian’ or ‘ I go to a fundamentalist church’ (that kind of thing anyway, its fair to say I have not met many/know many fundamentalists).
I have spent some wondering today whether it matters or not? After all, there are folk who would say that it does not matter, and the only important thing is that you believe in God and would call yourself a Christian.
I kind of get that … but actually reality is that it doesn’t work that way does it, because otherwise we would all ‘just be Christians’ and there would be no denominations at all – maybe that would be a good thing? I don’t know?
So, how do you know ‘what you are’? How do I know ‘what I am’?
Answers on a post card please – alternatively just use the comment box – i’ve had to put ‘moderation’ on due to some really vile comments coming through but I always approve normal comments, even ones that disagree with me 
The other thing I have been thinking about, and plan on spending some more time thinking on and writing about is the 18-30 things.
Spring Harvest has an ’18-30’ venue going on this year (I think they had it last year too) and over the last year or so it has become increasingly apparent, well to me anyway, that doing 18-30 stuff is becoming the ‘thing to do’. I’m experiencing this in the church I am involved in too – they have a passion/desire to try and reach out/create something that includes and involves and is 18 to 30 relevant.
Whenever I talk/tweet about this, it is not just about SH or criticising anything they are doing specifically. Its trying to think about it all in the wider ‘big church umbrella context’.
Now some of you are probably wondering why it has anything to do with me. I’m not a church leader. I’m not a leader of anything. I don’t have any sway, and I am not really able to back up my thoughts with anything solid other than them being just that, my thoughts, and the thoughts of some other people I chat to.
The reason why I am writing about it though, and thinking that it has a little bit to do with me is because I fit into that age group. But the end of that age range. As a nearly 28 year old, I am supposed to ‘fit in’ to the 18-30 group.
But do I? And do the other people who are my age? Do we fit into something that is trying to focus on an 18 year old, just leaving school, maybe going to Uni, maybe just starting work, maybe going on a gap year or on one. Do we fit into the group that is trying to focus on 18 to 22 year old somethings who are students and who are at University? Who are studying and struggling with life choices, careers paths, where next and all of the other things that come along with that life (not that I would know about any of it, having not been to uni).
Do we fit? And should we?
Or does there come a time when we have to admit adulthood and engage with mainstream adult programmes when it comes to events and church life?
Anyway, just a few thoughts from today … just noticed the time, ironically have to dash other wise I’ll be very late for the 18-30 Function event that I’m head to this evening – already late as I should be there now, ops!)
its been exactly 4 years since i tried to die …
April 11, 2012
Its quite a strange feeling … being alive when your not supposed to be.
I guess some folk would say I am meant to be but the way I see it is I’m not.
Four years ago I took an overdose. People would say that people who take overdoses are not serious, and are only crying out for help. Maybe that is so for others but it isn’t for me. I truly wanted to die. And as far as I was concerned I had taken enough stuff, in a big enough cocktail to ensure that I did die. I didn’t plan on surviving. Its fair to say my state of mind was a bit irrational. Thinking back now, my mind was screwed (it still is) but back then it was screwed in a much bigger way.
It is really hard to describe the day, four years ago. In fact a lot of it is blurry. I just remember being so desperate for the pain to go, that I could not see any other way out. My life was never meant to have worked out the way it had.
Stuff that had happened was never meant to happen. When I was a very small child, I could never have imagined what was going to be ahead of me. When I was a child the things that happened to me that were wrong were normal. Wasn’t everyone abused? (It wasn’t until I got older did I realize the answer to that is no).
I have written before, a few times about the darkness, the pain, the hurt, the desperation. The no way out and no where to go feeling. The heart wrenching all hope is lost feeling. Because that is how is felt. I had nothing. I was nothing.
So what was the point in being alive? I didn’t see any …
So I tried to kill myself.
Imagine the feeling of waking up, a bit hazy, dazy and realizing that instead of being somewhere else (I had no idea where I was going to end up, I think my head thought it would be a hotter kind of hell than living, because that would be what I deserved) however even that was the better option than actually being alive (does not make much sense really when you think about it does it, but then I didn’t (still don’t often) make much sense) …
I was devastated to be alive.
But that was four years ago.
I keep saying four, because I cant quite believe it to be honest. Four years! It feels like it has been a long long four years, yet it also feels like it has flown by.
The biggest thing I cant quite believe, and would never have imagined in a million days would be the change since then … how life has moved on.
Yesterday I tweeted something on the lines of ‘it’s the day before the day I tried to kill myself four years ago and instead of smoking, drinking and self harming I’m getting ready to go to Spring Harvest – a Christian conference’ – (obviously it was a bit shorter on twitter!)
I have the honour and privilege of being at Spring Harvest this year, and I’m really thankful to the people who have made it happen. And as I was getting packed to come, I was thinking about the fact its been over a year since I last cut, I don’t smoke any more, and I have the odd drink, but that’s it.
Last year I arrived at Spring Harvest on the back of a bet with someone who reckoned I wouldn’t survive a week at a Christian conference, despite having already been to a few. Not only did I survive the week, I think I survived it quite well.
Everything I thought it was going to be, it wasn’t. The fights I was looking for didn’t happen, and I went away from the week realizing that actually, despite my protests and issues sometimes I am a Christian. Yes, I am a Christian.
I am still trying to work my way round, understand the true meaning of Gods love, and really get to a place of belonging. There is a heck of a lot that I don’t understand – a heck of a lot … but I am firmly on the journey of trying to understand. I still need to learn more about why I am here, what the meaning of my life is and why the stuff that has happened happened. I know that there are no easy answers to any of these questions, and that they are things that I am going to have to explore.
This afternoon, instead of going to the seminar that I had planned on going to, I went and spent an hour chatting to someone from the Pastoral Team here at SH. It was something I was a bit hesistant about, but something that I felt my soul stir into doing and I’m pleased I did. I felt like I was given a little clarity to my thoughts and feelings about today. And how God fits in to it all. Because He does.
I know that process isn’t going to suddenly become easy, but then I’m used to not easy.
But it’s a process that has now started.
One of my new years resolutions for 2012 was to spend more time concentrating and focusing on the future. Thinking about where it is heading, trying to ascertain the pathway I’m meant to be on, career wise, spiritually and personally.
And so, I supposed you might read this blog and think it is not doing that. Which is true, kind of.
I want to keep moving on wards, forwards, and part of that process is to process the past. I know I have spent some time talking about the past, four years ago in fact, I feel I have to. I have to mark it somehow. And the marking it somehow is more about celebrating the fact that I am alive . Its about remembering where I was, thinking about the years and the journey I have been on because that’s all so important when it comes to thinking about the future, my future.
I feel like I am marking it by writing this blog. Short of shouting out to everyone here, at Spring Harvest that It has been four years and I want to celebrate life right now the only way I know how to mark it is to write.
IT HAS BEEN FOUR YEARS, AND I AM ALIVE, AND THAT IS GOOD!
What has happened is a part of me. I can not erase the past. I can not erase the scars that my body bares, and I can not erase the torture that sometimes haunts my mind.
But I can use some of those experiences, exactly how I don’t know yet.
But I want to look to the future.
I want to talk about it. I want to share my story.
I want people to know my story because more importantly I want others to know they can survive too, and that can happen by me sharing my story.
#ididnotreport
March 15, 2012
Just a little poem of sorts, written as my own thoughts to the #ididnotreport hashtag and tweets that flooded twitter a few days ago. Some incredibly brave tweeters, and a beautiful (but incredibly sad) thing to see so many people finding a voice.
My own response is about being abused as a child, teenager, and then as an adult in an event that was totally seperate to any of the stuff i’d experienced as a young person.
(its probably not the most poetically grammatically correct btw)
so here we are, my little poem
#ididnotreport
#ididnotreport because who would have heard?
#ididnotreport because who would believe?
#ididnotreport because i could not utter a single word …
#ididnotreport because it meant more punishment i’d receive.
#ididnotreport as I got older, for what would be the reason?
#ididnotreport as things moved on, but the memories remain,
#ididnotreport as years went by, and life moved into a new season,
#ididnotreport as i always felt i deserved the pain.
#ididnotreport because i had nothing left worth trying to save
#ididnotreport because nothing mattered to me any more
#ididnotreport because i could never be that brave
#ididnotreport because even when i tried, someone always closed that door.
#ididnotreport for it had all gone plus more
#ididnotreport for everything i had left was taken
#ididnotreport for I had been shaken to the very core,
#ididnotreport for my whole life had been broken.
#ididnotreport but sometimes I wish I had.
© Fragmentz
goodbye 2011, hello 2012 (a belated Part 2)
January 15, 2012
I guess it is fair to say that 2012 is now in full swing, being the middle of January. My end of year review has been quite late this year, usually its at the end of a year, as it should be, not the beginning of the next one. Hey ho … I am also quite late in writing a Part 2, as i felt Part 1 had gone on long enough so I though I would split it into two parts.
so, below is the last thing I want to mention about 2011 …
* I was just back reading a blog which had something written in it that has stunned me. Alot actually. In Feb 2011, I wrote ‘It has been 10 months since I last self harmed’. That in itself was massive. To now be able to sit here and write that its been over 20 months is even more massive. I dont know who reads this blog, and its fair to say I dont know your experience and your thoughts on things like self harm, however for me, it has been a very big part of my life. For a long time a very secret part of my life, something I never wanted anyone to know about, and was very careful to make sure no one did/could see. Once or twice in a few crises moments would ‘seen’ places such as my arms be affected, but on the whole I self harmed in places no one could see. It was not about attention. It was not about people knowing. It was a personal private thing. And so very hard to try and explain the release, physically and emotionally self harming gave to me. Its fair to say it hasnt been easy. Theres been some close moments! It still isnt easy, because when things get tough its often the first thought that comes into my head … maybe because it was a coping mechanism for so long … and dont get me wrong I’m not saying i’ll never go back to it. I hope i dont though. So, as to how that relates to 2011 … I’ve gone a whole date wise year without self harming. Wow.
I wanted to share the above with you because i see as being something that reflects how 2011 has been for me. There seems to have been very little ‘drama’ throughout the year, which is unusual, but what there has been in a steady continuation of the journey that I guess i could call recovery, or moving on, or whatever phrase you want to use to be honest.
Its fair to say, and I am sure I have written this before somewhere either on here or twitter, that 10 years ago I could have never imagined in my wildest dreams that life would turn out how it has done so far. I could never have imagine how tough it would/was going to get. Dont get me wrong, I was not stupid, or naieve, I knew life wasn’t a bed of roses from an early age, but equally so, I didnt think that when things were already tough, they would get even tougher, and more tougher on top of that.
I never imagined that once id been crushed into tiny little pieces, that Id then get trampled on, and turned into even smaller bits. Fragments into more fragments until there was nothing left. Who does? But it happened …
however, here I still am. And somehow surviving, and dare i say it … almost thriving?
I am on a road, a long road which i am sure is going to throw out more blows no doubt, but a road which has some sunshine on it too … i am starting to enjoy life, enjoying learning how to live again, how to laugh, how to love.
And i cant not say thank you to everyone who has been involved in my journey. People as i mentioned in my previous blog whom I dont think I could ever express truly how grateful i am to, for their love.
as for 2012 … who knows what it will bring? I dont for sure …
however, as i think about the year ahead, i think about the three new years resolutions I have made (something i never normally do ) …
they are :
1) to lose weight ( see my blog titled My name is fragmentz and I’m fat (no really I am) to see why this is SO important to me! It is something that I am going to spend alot of 2012 focussing on. My first goal is to lose 2 stone by Easter, which is roughly 2 pounds a week, and by eating sensibly, going to the gym and execising more and the help of Slimming World, I am sure i can achieve this. The bigger goal is way to huge to think about all in one go … as ideally its about 6/7 stone … i dont think i’ll reach that by the end of the year but If i could be well on the way, id be pleased.
2) to continue moving forwards … to spend more time looking into the present and forwards instead of backwards. this one is simple in words, but maybe not to simple in actual practice. My past is part of who I am . Its part of who everyone is. And i disagree hugely with the pastor who once told me that if i became a Christian my past would be erased and i’d forget it. Unless you took my brain away, or erased my memory entirely, then that aint going to happen. And why would I want that … because despite some of the horrific memories, and the things that have happened that haunt me, and even to this day appear in my sleep sometimes, why would I want to erase some of the happy memories? I dont want to erase my past. and some of the experiences are shaping who i am becoming now … shaping how I am able to support other people in their lives. For example, there is a situation with someone who I chat with regularly to, who I would not be able to walk along side and support in the way I do, if i had not experienced what I have (if that makes any sense). So, although i dont want to ‘forget’ my past i also dont want to spend more time dwelling on than living in the present or looking towards the future. I want to spend more time focussing on the here and now, and the things to come, then what has been and gone. Its something i am going to try anyway!
3) to somehow get closer to God/to learn more about God (I have no idea in what shape or form this will happen). This is a biggie. For me anyway. As I wrote before, I had some interesting experiences in 2011, including Spring Harvest. Those experiences have made me come to terms with the fact I am a Christian. Yep. I am. Even on the dark days. I am. And actually I have been for some time. But Ive just chosen to sway between good and bad days and ‘yes i believe today’ and ‘ no i dont’ … so, for 2012 I want to be more committed. To God. I dont know how this is going to look. What shape or form this will play out. But I am going to give it a go. I want to learn more about God. I want to get to know more about Him, and more of Him. I want to understand more of His will, and why He came to die, and forgive. I want to learn more about his nature. I want to continue my relationship with Him … and deepen what I already know. This is tied in with Number 2, about looking forwards and not backwards too. I want to do the same with God. I want to try and come to terms with my past and the role god has played in it, but also then to look forwards more. As i said, who knows how this will play out … maybe it wont at all. But I hope it will.
So, thats me done for now … thinking about 2012 and what its going to look like.
love
Fragz x
another year has gone … goodbye 2011, hello 2012 – Part 1
January 2, 2012
Wow, so thats it, 2011 has gone. Well and truly gone. Its the eve of the first day of 2012, and my head is still in last year. Partly I think because I worked through the night this year for the ‘New Years Eve’ so have not felt like I have truly said Goodbye to one year, and Hello to the next.
Having said that … its true to say that New Year never usually means much to me. Usually for me August signifies the end of one 12 months and the start of another, and usually at Greenbelt I have a little space and time to reflect on the old, and think of the new and go from there. I usually blog at length about it, however this year GB was a rather different weekend for me, and I didnt do the whole ‘end/start of the year’ thing.
So here I am … joining in with the trend that most people follow … at the same time as most people too … thinking about the fact that a whole year has gone by … and thinking about welcoming in another 12 months.
I dont think I’ve ever felt a year fly by so quickly before … I dont know about anyone else, but I feel like I blinked and it went.
I also don’t think I’ve ever had such a year go by that seems to have been relatively calm. Gasp. Some of you reading this will probably be agreeing totally. The last 12 months seem to have been the tamest that have been going for some time … granted, some blips and I thank wholeheartedly those people who love me and stick by me through those blips, who answer their phones any time 24/7 and who hug me when its needed, and offer me coffee when its needed, who give me wise words when its needed. Who do more than they’ll ever know to sustain me, and make me feel loved.
Anyhow … where was I ? oh yeah, 2011 … reflections of 2011 (i prefer to reflect instead of calling everything a highlight, even though many things about to be written would be considered highlights, although some wouldnt),
so, starting the ball rolling …
* Seeing Glee live !! Ok, there we go, if I have yet to admit it publicly on these pages or my tweets, I am a Gleek, uhuh. I dont care what you say … Im proud, and I had an amazing weekend in London in the middle of the year with some girly friends seeing Glee live at the 02. It was mega amazing!
* 2011 has been the year I have finally managed to win (for now) the battle with the smokes. Something I consider a huge achievement. I hope those of you who know me well stand beside me in agreeing that it is an achievement. Ive always been an adamant ’i love smoking’ person. And to be honest … having tried to stop a few times before, its been a real challenge and battle, partly because most of me didnt want to stop, and a small part of me knew I had to … (for reasons I’ll mention next). So, for the time being, and for the last 6 months or so, Ive been a non smoker, and Im adjusting to life now (it took a while to get used to a different routine, to get used to not going out with friends on breaks at work/pubs etc)
* 2011 saw me having several Asthma attacks. To someone who doesn’t (or didn’t) have Asthma, they were big shocks, and pretty scary! Two very serious ones requiring professional emergency help (NHS – I am VERY grateful!). I now have a regime of inhalers, am am monitored closely by my GP at present. A recent chest infection crippled me, and meant I ended up on steroids and really struggling. Its very hard to describe what having an asthma attack is like. Having problems with your breathing when you are in your mid twenties is a pretty scary thing. Most mornings for a while I was waking up sounding like a 90 year old woman who had smoked 100 fags a day … so being diagnosed as asthmatic contributed greatly to stopping the fags.
* April 2011 saw a pretty big milestone in the life of Fragmentz … (other than going to Spring Harvest – i know i know, but yes I really did!) April meant 3 years since I tried to die. At the time I wrote a blog which you can find here …. its been 3-years and I also very recently wrote another blog called ‘I wanted to die …’ which you can read i wanted to die Both of these blogs talk about this openly, so all I will say here is that i’ve been alive for over 3 years after I intended not to be, and I am glad i am!
* April also saw me go to Spring Harvest. Er yeah. I did. Uh huh. Thats right. Why? Erm, I am not entirely sure, apart from the fact that when I agreed to go/said I wanted to go, I had had quite a bit to drink and the person egging me didnt think I would, so being the kind to do alsorts just to prove a point found myself mooseying off to Butlins Skegness no less, over Easter to spend a week with happy clappy Christians who mostly smile and pretend that life is grand. Thankfully I was in a chalet with someone (a very groovy and cool meffodist minster) and her friend who I knew a little. They were truly two amazing woman and I had a fab week spending time with and getting to know them both much better than ever before. I also found myself incredibly challenged. I found the entire week a challenge, but not in the way I was expecting. I had gone expecting to spend the week wound up and annoyed by peoples smiles, cringeworthy stories and optimism and a general ‘lets all be christians for a week and forget the real world exists’. I expected to somewhere along the way get into a row with someone over their theology, and to walk out of a talk/meeting after getting so pissed off I just wanted to go and smoke (I was still smoking at that point, leading to a hilarious moment of leaving my chalet to go for a fag and getting locked out therefor having to track down friends in the big top whilst wearing my funky bright butterfly pyjamas … well they found it funny anyway). I half expected to go home halfway through the week to be honest. However, and I wish I had blogged about this at the time really as I could write forever on it … all of my expectations were smashed. I met some superbly down to earth normal people, who were very willing to debate and argue out (rationally) their views whilst understanding my points of view and not just casting me as someone who does not understand. I engaged with some intelligent people who were willing (including SH leadership people) to chat/discuss/think about things on my level, and I found the Zone concept brilliance. I went almost daily to the ‘discuss and debate’ zone, and although the group was small, Jools I think his name was, the guy leading that space was brilliant. I also had the joy of meeting Rob GT who I tweeted with for a while, and that was great too. Two other things stand out for me about Spring Harvest. The first was that every morning (not being a good early riser) Id stay in the chalet doing my make up, having a cuppa and a smoke (out the door of course) whilst being able to listen to the morning preacher do his thang via the tv screens they stream into your accommodation. The guy Malcolm Duncan is a legend. I dont really know who he is, or where he is from to be honest, I do follow him vaguely on twitter now, and had never heard of him before, however he was witty, funny, engaging, and most of all honest. I liked his willingness to engage with the 3000 plus people if not more? by having a ‘text number’ and then using the first part of his time slot to discuss/answer questions and thoughts that people would text in from the day before/on the topic he was preaching on. I thought this was great and a real gem of a way to engage a) with technology and b) not set himself a part as such from the people he was teaching. Anyway, I remember listening one morning to some of the questions, and one came up … that someone had texted in to him the night before … and I honestly dont recall what the question even was … thats the irrelevant bit to be honest, what I do remember though, is him standing there in front of his little book holder thingy (what do you call those things they put their notes on?) and saying ‘I dont know’ … I nearly spat out my tea. Hes the preacher right. Dont they know everything? (ok, so I know they dont know everything but isnt that the usual perception that is given about these people? ) So, to hear this guy on a big stage simply say ‘ i dont know’ to something was, for me, astonishing. and Refreshing. I was like ‘yesssss’ at last! someone at one of these events who is normal! and down to earth, and willing to not speak out of his arse to satisfy people who would expect him to know. He didnt. He was honest. And left it at that. The other thing that left a lasting impression on me about Spring Harvest was the fact that they appeared to, for some topics at least, have people leading talks/seminars who knew what they were on about. I mean, who really knew what they were on about. I attended the seminar that was being run on mental health issues. As most of you know these issues are close to my heart. And I had been bet a tenner by a friend that I would not stay for the whole of it, because I’d get annoyed by the usual ‘christian’ response that gets bandied about when it comes to such things as this like ‘just pray’, ‘you need saving’ ‘have more faith’ and so on … Thing is, that these things are usually addressed by a well meaning person who is perhaps speaking because they have church authority behind them. By that I mean, they are probably a church leader/minister/pastor or someone with some kind of title which makes them important and therfor able to have an opinion on everything and anything. What I found refreshing about the Mental Health one I attended was how sensitively and well done it was actually done (I stayed for it all!). The speaker, who, oddly, in fact very oddly I turned out to know from a previous life, of when I used to volunteer for the youth/young adults stream at another christian weekend event in Lincoln (years and years ago i might add!!) was Dr Roger Bretherton. A very well qualified physchologist. Who lectures at a local Uni on the topic. And who is obviously also a Christian. It meant so much to hear him talk on the realities of life with mental health illness, and the normal stuff, as well as bringing in the spiritual/christian element in a very non judgemental way. I went away with lots of food for thought. All in all SH was a huge week for me because it challenged me. It challenged my attitude. My attitude towards God, other Christians, learning, my life, my past and my future. I really hope I am able to make it in 2012 – (sorry for the essay there about SH!)
* 2011 also saw various other things happen such as meeting Dan, who bless his heart didnt turn out to be Mr Right, despite his insistence. Thankfully after a few difficult and interesting moments with that story he got the message.
* 2011 saw me change jobs, wahooo. I still work for the same company, at the same place/site, with the same patients, however I am now the Activities Co Ordinator and cover alot of the Pastoral Care that takes place in my work place with the patients we care for who are all very ill and nearing the end of their lives. Its an incredibly challenging role, that often has many ups and downs, and can be very emotional however after spending quite a few years as a team leader there, working many hours/shifts and having much responsibility I am enjoying the freedom of regular hours, most weekends off and being able to have quality time doing what I love – communicating and trying to ensure people have the best quality of life possible.
There have been many many other moments I could document about 2011 such as getting to know lots and lots of new people, meeting new people, getting to know people I already knew but just much better.
When I started to write this, I didnt think I would have enough to fill out one blog, let alone run out of time and space to fit everything in … I hope your still awake and have not fallen asleep yet !!!
there is more to write about the last year and I also want to write about some thoughts ive had on the year ahead too … but I think I am going to do this in two parts … so for now, I’m signing out, but I’ll be back soon with Part 2
xx
i wanted to die …
November 29, 2011
my name is fragmentz … and as well as being fat (see a previous post) there was a time in my life when I wanted to die.
A few times in fact … but one very clear time that I will never forget about … when there was no other option than to die. That one time was more than ‘wishing’ or spending time planning or thinking about … this one time was about acting on that wish to go.
obviously … here i stand, by the grace of God if you believe in Him (which I do) or by sheer luck or fortune if you dont. So for me, it didnt work. And at the time … I was gutted. Devastated. Some people have the view that if you dont ‘successfully’ kill your self when you try then you didnt really mean to do it, and that you were just crying out for help. I disagree with that whilst acknowledging that for some people that may be the case. For me it wasnt. I had tried the call for help. Numerous times. I had tried many many things. I had gone beyond wanting help. I wanted release. The end.
Why am I writing about this? Again, some of you may say, as I have written one or two blogs over the last few years about my experience. The reason is because I can. And for that, now, I am thankful.
Why am i writing about this today/tonight? That would be because since Sunday all day and today I have been reading some very beautiful writings by some beautiful people about a beautiful person. Gary Speed. A former football player turned manager. Who sadly committed suicide so it would seem over the weekend. I dont know Gary, in fact I know very little about him, other than his job role and family status, oh and the fact it would seem there was something very dark going inside of his life that not many if any people knew about. This past week has also seen the apparent suicide of Angie Dowds, a celebrity fitness trainer, known for her role as a joint trainer on the UK version of ‘The Biggest Loser’ … a determined, strong and inspiring person to many. She also, for some reason, and who may ever know the real reasons why, felt there was no other option left to her other than to die.
So, the internet has been awash with tributes/tweets/blogs/reflections/thoughts. Its been over the news, over facebook, over the twittersphere. Famous people, celebrities, friends, family, fans and other folk have all come out to pay their respects. To give humbling and heartfelt reactions to the deaths of people who meant much to them.
And of course … the topic of mental health … depression / suicide has been bought to the front of peoples minds. Its been very interesting seeing it happen. Seeing the discussion, the empathy, support, the kind thoughts, and well meaning comments to the families effected by these two peoples passing, but also the whole on the topic of people wanting to kill themselves.
I whole heartedly advocate talking about it. And it feels uncomfortable to say but it has been heartwarming to see the responses of such tragedies. People not shoving it under the carpet.
I was touched hugely by the article Stan Colleymore released via his twitter … click here to read his thoughts . A very brave peice and I admire him greatly for putting it out there.
A few years ago, there was a documentary on the television about depression in the sporting industry and I remember writing at the time how indiscriminate mental health illness truly is. How indiscriminate depression truly is. How at any time it can surround any person. Rich, Famous, Poor, Not Famous, Fat, Think, Black, Green, White, Mothers, Daughters, Professionals, Sons, Fathers. Anyone. The list is endless. It could be anyone. It could be you.
It was me. And how life changing has it been. I am never going to be as poetic and eloquent in my words as some of the other blogs I have seen and read over the last 48 hours whatsoever, I am not even going to try. I dont think right now its needed particularly as so many other people are doing such a good job of describing their experiences.
I tweeted earlier on today this ‘Some really beautiful blogs and tributes bring written since the sad news of Gary speeds death … But please please don’t just move on from The topic of depression/suicide/mental health as soon as it leaves the front pages coz his family/friends and anyone else effected by the Sadness and life changing/wrecking illnesses won’t. They don’t and won’t go away for the many millions out there who suffer daily’
And I suppose that is what is on my heart/in my mind this evening as I write this … depression is such a far wider thing that what we sometimes imagine it to be. It effects more than the person who has the illness. It effects so many different people, and even after maybe the final act is committed, for those people that isn’t the end. At I guess part of me feels that right now, this topic is being discussed hugely, probably because its effecting the famous the publicised, the people who make it into the papers (I am not intending this to offend whatsoever so apologies if it does to anyone) and that no doubt, as the headlines fade away so will the discussion … or the majority of the discussion, because for some of us there is always the discussion (there are some amazing mental health bloggers/writers out there).
But it doesn’t fade away for the millions of people who are out there struggling tonight. as I write this, it does not fade away for the people who go to sleep this evening wishing that they didn’t have to wake up in the morning.
It does not fade away for me. Yes, I am alive, yes I have come a long way from what is almost four years ago, from the time when I went to sleep having hurt my self significantly to not wake up again … (trust me, it was a shock when i did).
And I am glad I did. Wake up. I am glad that I have amazing people in my life who stand by my side as I walk this journey of learning to live again, learning how love, how to laugh, how to enjoy life. Some days are good. Some are not. The not days however are not as bad as they were. For now. But I live under the cloud .. all the time, as do many millions out there … the cloud of depression, of mental health illness. The cloud of being precariously balanced on a ledge of normality waiting for it to spike, to go into overdrive, or waiting for it to tilt the other way into a pit of despair that one can only claw to try and get out of … its my hope and prayer that I never have to experience how bad life was then again … but who knows? Because its so much more than just ‘being sad because …’ or ‘having a bad day …’.
I really want to encourage people who have been moved by the death of a sports personality, or anyone and RIP dear Gary to have the courage to continue the thinking of mental health, and how you see it. How you are affected by it. How you engage with it?
Keep the conversation going … because it needs to be talked about. It needs to become less of a stigma and the only way that can happen is through awareness and people continuing to speak out, write about it, be honest/open and make it the very real thing that it is.
Please.
